Beyond the classic sayings that romantic love has bequeathed to us of the type “those who fight each other,” couples fight for reasons that do not have much to do with love (rather the opposite). However, there are studies that recognize that couples who argue regularly are more durable, but is any way to argue valid? We explain what the science of why couples argue over small things.
The reasons why couples fight
The fights in the couple appear after the infatuation stage and, depending on the intensity of the relationship (if they live together from the beginning, if they reside in other cities,…), this takes place between 7 months and 2 years of the beginnings. It is the so-called transition from the ideal family system to the real family system. According to psychologist experts in family care and relationships, discussions at the beginning of the relationship are healthy from the perspective of the couple’s adjustment.
In the beginning everything is wonderful in the relationship and the other person has no defects or, rather, both parties ignore many defects that may not really satisfy them as much as they believed. The readjustment stage is necessary and involves arguing, since you have to accept the defects of others and your own, make concessions and, of course, maintain your own and individual identity with respect to the other.
The great drawback occurs when this stage never ends, but extends over time. Common reasons for a couple to argue are:
- Self insecurity.
- Families of origin.
- Lack of communication at the beginning of the relationship.
- Excessive idealization.
- Lack of goals and projects in common.
- Comfort and disinterest on the part of one of the members.
The couple’s relationship is forged during the first years and is maintained from there (it is constantly cared for and innovated). It is an important project that, together with the personal projects of each individual, lead to a state of satisfaction. The problem? When members have not communicated about their needs, countless discussions are likely to ensue.
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Are couples who argue longer lasting?
According to a study carried out by the Gottman Institude, it was determined that couples who argue have a healthier and stronger relationship. Of course, it depends on how it is discussed. An argument in which one or both members disrespect each other, only seek to dominate or be right, yell and discredit the person and try to maintain their position, even at the risk of ending the relationship, is not a good example of what this study concluded.
Healthy couple discussions should include these factors: that the will of both is to reach an agreement that benefits both and that at all times they speak based on an argument regarding the subject.
There is a very common mistake in couple fights and it is precisely that they are fights. The members do not seek to reach an agreement, or understand the other, but they just want to be right . Obviously, if this is the case, it is impossible to agree and there is a tendency to include other complaints that have nothing to do with the main reason in the discussion.
To discuss well, the discussion should be:
- In an assertive tone of voice.
- Looking for agreement without leaving aside your own needs.
- Having very clear the subject of discussion and not losing the point to be discussed.
- Remembering at every moment that you are in front of a person you love.
- Without judging the other as a whole but only the matter that is discussed.
- Arguing in suitable conditions (do not argue when your nerves are on the surface, you are tired, you have not eaten, etc). Wait until the two of you are calm and with perspective.
Finally, you will be interested to know that depending on how a couple argues, you can know a lot about the health of a relationship. John Gottman , a professor at the University of Washington, established in the 1980s a “laboratory of love” at the university with a 95% reliability in how long a relationship will last according to how the sample discussed.
Defensive: There is no difference between the sexes.
Criticism: It is the most used by women in this sample of 3000 couples.
Obstructionist: It is the most used by men.
Disdainful: The latter is the one that carries the greatest risk for the relationship. It is used by both sexes in the same way.
The truth is that these patterns are changing because this study is more than forty years old. What is certain is that disrespectful couple discussions never end well. You can argue, of course, but respecting the other.
cute fights between couples
When two lovers live together, most conflicts happen over household issues. Some quarrels are inevitable, but some start because of such trifles that you want to come up and ask these two: “Really? Because of such nonsense? ” We have collected 22 stupid reasons for quarrels that are definitely not worth a week of silence and offended glances.
In the kitchen
1. Who is washing the dishes?
We cooked together, ate together, but washing the dishes together will not work. We’ll have to decide whose fate this time. This is where the scandal begins.
2. An empty plate in the refrigerator
Some people manage to eat and leave a very small piece of food on the plate. If only not to wash the dishes. And if you do this, it is not surprising that your partner is asleep and sees this saucer flying at you.
3. What are we going to eat?
If you are familiar with the following dialogue, then you can safely add yourself to the list of couples who quarrel over nonsense:
– What are we going to eat today?
– I do not care.
– (names the dish)
“I don’t want that.”
And that’s it, there is no logic, and emotions take over. A new quarrel is guaranteed for you.
4. Buying groceries
“What to buy?”, “Which company?”, “How many potatoes do you need?”, “Why buy such an expensive one?” and a few more phrases, from which the brain boils, misunderstanding grows, and the conflict is brewing. If you go grocery shopping together, all these issues can be resolved faster and more calmly.
5. When your partner ate everything and didn’t share with you
Or when you split something delicious in half, and in the end, your half was also eaten. We understand you, this situation is not only unpleasant, it is terribly ENRYING! Food is sacred.
6. When a partner is doing beauty treatments and you are trying to eat
From plucking eyebrows to clipping toenails. An unpleasant sight, even if it is done by a loved one. Instead of swearing, try to differentiate together: where is your area for food, and where is for self-care.
While watching TV
1. What are we going to watch?
If your taste preferences do not coincide at all, then quarrels are inevitable. Here, either make concessions or buy a second TV.
One is hard to hear, the other will now deafen from the volume. The eternal cause of endless controversy in front of the TV. To knowledgeable people, she may even seem not so stupid.
3. When your partner watched the episode without you
As for us, this is a real betrayal. If you are watching the show together, please be faithful to your “serial colleague”.
1. Empty toilet paper roll
It seems the most furious thing in life together is when the toilet paper runs out, and the “culprit” does not throw out the sleeve and does not put a new roll on the holder. Maybe the origins of the movie “Kill Bill” actually from here?
2. Toilet seat stool
Oh, that’s another annoying thing. Although, maybe it’s not a partner? After all, he picks it up every time and does not complain.
3. Switch from tap to shower
How many times have you found yourself in a situation where you turn on the water and instead of washing your hands, you have to wash your hair? That’s how many times, most likely, you and your soulmate quarreled.
4. Splashes on the mirror
Either you live with the “water”, or what is it every time on the mirror? Why can’t you wash your face gently and hold your face over the sink? It is with these phrases that the scandal begins.
An annoying thing. And if animals molt in the spring and fall, then your partner seems to be around the year. Ask him to watch out for hair loss. Well, or put up with it.
In the bedroom
1. How to properly make the bed?
Throw a change of bed linen into the same “hellish cauldron”. Unless the fluff and feathers from the pillows do not fly when two people decide who is tucking the blanket into the duvet cover this time.
2. When one of you snores / kicks / takes away a blanket
Forget sleeping well with such a restless partner. But here are some solutions: earplugs, a second blanket, and sign up for a kickboxing course (we’re kidding, of course).
3. Who turns off the light?
Common situation? You go to bed, are going to sleep and realize that the light in the room is still on. And a dispute begins, as a result of which one supposedly has to surrender. If such disputes are not uncommon, then consider a cotton switch, that is, a light that is turned off by clapping your palms.
4. Open window
This also includes an air conditioner and other appliances for cooling rooms. Invariably, someone is very cold, while someone is stuffy and lacks fresh air.
5. Scattered clothes
Some of you are neat, and some are sloven. Either adjust or try to retrain. Just stop fighting about it, because this is really nonsense.
Other stupid reasons for quarrels
1. One of the partners definitely drives a car better
And he knows where to go and how to get there faster, and in general he knows a lot of things better. Arguments on joint trips are an integral part of the lives of many couples.
2. Likes on social networks
Groundless jealousy is a favorite reason for a new quarrel. Senseless and merciless arguments keep pouring in your direction. It’s time to accept each other for who you are, and stop doing what drives your partner into a rage.
3. Who is more tired?
Very often, as this issue is clarified, thousands of other reasons are found out for not talking to each other for at least a week.
By the way, sometimes it is useful to argue and it even strengthens the relationship.” Scientists have proven that fighting in a relationship means great love .”
Eric Cameron is a passionate relationship coach and counselor with a focus on helping couples reconnect and build strong and lasting relationships. He has years of experience working with couples and helping them to understand the intricacies of healthy relationships. He also provides guidance on how to maintain a healthy relationship and deal with difficult topics. Eric’s approach is tailored specifically to the couple’s needs and he has a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw upon.