When you fall in love, you hope that the way you love will be returned to you in the same way: to live a reciprocal and unconditional love, in which the person with whom you share your life takes care of you and cares about you, in the same way, that you. However, often this does not happen, and there are situations in which our partner ignores us or does not give us the attention and interest that we deserve. Elie Wiesel coined the famous quote: “The opposite of love does not hate, it is indifference.” In fact, being ignored can feel even worse than being rejected, making you feel like you don’t care about anything at all. What to do when your partner ignores you? In Bigmatrimonial we will try to shed some light on it.
My boyfriend passes me
In all our relationships, whether they are family, romantic, friendly, work, etc. we all need recesses for ourselves. The fact that your partner gives you space to meet your friends, visit your family, do activities, etc. it is something positive and necessary. However, if you use this argument as an excuse to show little interest in how the week went, do not return calls, spend days without being able to reach her, … is not a good sign.
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If you feel like your boyfriend ignores you , probably the first thing you think about is that he doesn’t care. However, before you rush to draw premature conclusions, it is important to consider other variables. Generally, it is not a conscious process. It is largely a biological reaction rooted in certain structures of the central nervous system, formed as a result of some parenting practices carried out in childhood.
When we establish a bond with someone, we are giving that person the possibility of harming us, if at some point they decide to end him. In this way, because intimacy in relationships creates vulnerability and increases the possibility of experiencing strong negative emotions, it is often avoided. This does not mean that people with evasive tendencies do not have a partner or friends. They may even be perceived as popular, particularly because they tend to be successful in areas of competition and achievement. However, these people are likely to have difficulty establishing long-lasting and intense bonds and are uncomfortable with close relationships.
On the other hand, in order to establish and maintain a relationship, a certain maturity and emotional health are required, and there are many people who do not possess these qualities, whether due to personal or past characteristics, lack of interest, erroneous beliefs, etc. However, if there is a will, you can work to advance in this regard. If something similar happens to your partner, here are some tips to deal with the situation.
How to react your partner
Many people come to therapy with complaints about the way their partners relate to them. In many cases, the complaints are well-founded: after all, their partners are human, and as such, imperfect. However, it is necessary to keep in mind that relationships are bidirectional, that is, they have two senses, and sometimes we tend to notice the mistakes of others, without realizing or justifying the ones we make ourselves. Psychologists call this trend a fundamental attribution error . Thus, if our partner is quieter than usual, we would tend to relate it to being cold and distant, whereas, if it happened to us, we would blame it on having had a bad day.
If it is isolated events, try not to take it personally . Maybe he has had a bad day too. It could also be the case that your partner is more reserved, not everyone is equally expressive.
On the other hand, avoid labeling him. Phrases like “you never want to go out or make plans with me, you are very boring” will only undermine him and generate reactivity. Give your story a positive twist, tell him how much you feel like going out with him and making new plans.
When I have a detail with you, show interest in your interests, prepare dinner for you, etc. shows gratitude and appreciation for his gesture. Not only will you promote positivity in your partner, they will also be more likely to repeat these behaviors than if they go unnoticed.
As for discussions, avoid becoming defensive and invite more open and honest communication. It is not that you remain silent or that you have to agree with everything your partner says and does. If you hope that, through silence, your partner intuits everything that goes through your mind, you will live in eternal disappointment. On the other hand, if you talk about your feelings honestly, in a space free of blame and judgment, your partner will be more likely to empathize with you, while her reaction will also be more relaxed.
What to do when your partner ignores you
If your partner ignores you and you don’t know how to act, here are 10 tips to put into practice:
Don’t pay him in the same currency. If it is painful that your partner does not spend time with you or shows interest in you, do not do the same: not only will you not be able to reverse the situation, but you will perpetuate this dynamic.
Don’t be too quick to draw premature conclusions. If it takes too long to answer your messages or calls, maybe something happened to it. Approach the subject with tact, you can start with something like: “Is everything okay? When I go a long time without knowing about you, I am concerned that something might have happened to you. “This will allow me to understand you without becoming defensive.
Set clear limits on what is admissible or not. It does not mean being cold and inaccessible, but rather acting and asking respect for oneself. Ask yourself which of your partner’s actions are reasonable and which are off limits. It takes time to reply to a message, but disappearing for five days without giving any explanation or signal is not so understandable.
Involve him in plans and decisions. If the main weight of the relationship falls on you, and your partner usually adopts passive attitudes, try to involve her in tasks or activities so that she adopts a more active posture. Ask him his opinion on a topic at stake, let him decide where you will go to dinner tonight.
Try to be as specific as possible about what and not who. That is, it points to the problem behavior and not to the person. If it bothers you when you go days without being able to locate your partner, let him know that this makes you think that the relationship does not matter at the same level as you. Avoid personal criticism, and if necessary, try to be as constructive as possible. She tries to articulate them in two sentences: “I would like you to be more punctual when we meet.”
Couple time. It is vital that each member of the couple have their own lives and maintain a substantial amount of time for themselves, but at the same time, it is essential to spend time cultivating the attention and intimacy necessary for the relationship to prosper. Look for moments in the week or in the month for you, that you are immovable and cannot be postponed.
Remember that you are a team. It is not a war. Don’t try to be over the top or impose your arguments. Maybe there is a reason why he couldn’t meet you or answer your calls. Listen to what it has to say. When there is an argument in a couple, there are no winners or losers. The only victory occurs when both sides reach a satisfactory result.
If your boyfriend needs to “escape” at any given time, don’t chase him: he will run faster. Give him enough room to calm down and connect with him. If you don’t allow this to happen, your overwhelmed feeling is likely to increase and you need to move further away.
Never ignore how you really feel. If you know what you want and need in a relationship, never dismiss your feelings or settle for something that is not what you want to make the relationship work, or because you want to have a relationship at all costs. You cannot turn your partner into someone who is not. If you feel disappointed, frustrated, and dissatisfied, don’t ignore it.
Finally, remember that you are solely responsible for your own happiness. Committing to another person is not the same as assigning the full weight of your well-being and happiness. Having a relationship can be a wonderful experience, but there is no risk of merging with the partner, since in the long term this is usually a recipe for marital dissatisfaction.
This article is merely informative, in Bigmatrimonial we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.