The problem faced by women all over the world, and not just in our country, is domestic drunkenness. Many drinking husbands revel in their addiction and are not going to voluntarily give it up until something radically changes their lives. What to do if the husband drinks heavily every day and cannot stop? Under this constantly not works and becomes aggressive? How to behave if your husband became an alcoholic?
Surely this situation is well known to millions of women suffering from male alcoholism and who know firsthand what it’s like to live with an alcoholic husband.
At least once, but almost every woman or girl faced the fact that her lover got very drunk. But what if yesterday’s rare occurrences become permanent today? Let’s see what can be done to a wife/woman/girlfriend?
Why do husbands start drinking?
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There are a lot of reasons why a husband drinks, but we will look at a few of the most key ones, because of which husbands gradually drink too much.
The man considers himself a failure
For example, he feels that he is unable or it is difficult for him to support the family he is obliged to take care of. Because of this, he works at several jobs, which physically and mentally exhausts him. And alcohol is perceived by him as a means to relieve accumulated tension or stress because it is difficult to look at the world with a sober head.
The second option, because of which he may feel like a failure, is unrealized abilities in the professional field or expectations on the family front.
Inability to stop drinking
In men’s groups, often with or without a reason, they find a reason to drink. And those who refuse are considered outcasts, “correct” or “informers” of the boss. Wanting to be his own among imaginary friends, a man may be afraid to refuse offers to drink, which is why he gradually becomes an inveterate drunkard.
From nothing to do
Many women think that a good wife should, as a mother, take care of her husband, literally following him around, thus depriving him of self-realization. As a result, having nothing to do, a man spends more time with friends and begins to drink too much. Wives forget: a man does not need to be patronized. Children, old people, women need this, while a husband needs to be loved and respected if there is anything for it.
It often happens that the same man behaves differently with different women. It was noticed that for many males, life changes occur or occurred from the mood and mood of his “lady of the heart”. For example, a man drank himself with one when he became a successful person with another.
Therefore, sometimes a woman should think about if she entered into marriage with a non-drinking man, and after a while, he began to drink, is it only his fault or are there reasons in his wife? After all, some men, not seeing respect from their wife in their address, but only grumbling, discontent, begin to drink. Trying alcohol to survive their negative emotions.
What to do if the husband drinks or is an alcoholic
- The first step is to become more aware of the disease of alcoholism: causes, effects, consequences, treatments. Only after you have a clear understanding of what effect your actions or words can have on an alcoholic, you will be able to develop the correct tactics of behavior. For example, to understand that by helping your husband to get drunk, you are not helping him, but doing a disservice.
- One of the most common women’s mistakes is trying to get positive results where it is impossible. For example, a wife constantly exhausts herself by looking for options on how to help him, what else can be done, and all to no avail, since her missus has no desire to change. Then what is the right way to think about how I can personally help myself? In other words, focus on how to protect yourself? After all, if an alcoholic refuses help, having no desire to stop drinking, you are unlikely to help him, you will only harm yourself.
- Try to think about your life if the marriage partner has no desire to stop drinking. As far as possible, try to live a full life so that he sees that without him you will not be lost. Having seen how you successfully manage without him, living your own life, your spouse may realize that at any moment he can lose you. For him, this can be the best stimulating factor, an impetus that helps him stop drinking.
- Sometimes divorce is the only outcome when the drinking husband in your life is making a living hell. For example, his actions threaten life, as well as the health of both you and your children. In this case, divorce is the only solution to the problem in order to protect yourself and your family. If you have already tried all the options for influencing your husband so that he quit drinking and to no avail, and besides, it got even worse, then it might be worth considering this option.
How to deal with an alcoholic husband
Don’t help your husband sleep
Make it a rule for you to refuse to buy booze at your husband’s request. Even if the spouse begins to beg, citing various arguments, they say, it’s bad for him or threatened, you still shouldn’t do it. When he feels bad, he quickly realizes that this is a consequence of his alcohol dependence.
Moreover, the sooner he gets rid of addiction himself or with someone’s help, the faster his health will recover. Some of the ways a spouse unwittingly helps her husband get drunk are:
- When he gives up slack, doing his business or duties for him.
- When, out of pity for him, he gives, at his plaintive request or threats, money for another dose of booze. Or she buys it herself so that the poor little hubby does not have a headache.
- When drinking with him for the same company.
- When he remains indifferent to his alcoholic lifestyle, the main thing is to earn money.
- When you remain “blind” to the fact that your spouse has problems with drinking.
- When he removes the traces of his “festivities”. Therefore, the next day, he does not see all the dirt left after him, for which the alcoholic himself should be responsible.
- When she helps her husband out by paying his debts or legal costs from the family budget .
Continuing to do this, the wife only gives more opportunities to her husband to continue to drink, to become an inveterate drunkard.
Stop giving in to alcoholism
Understand that wrong actions on your part trap you, and the drunken husband is allowed to continue drinking. How can one fall into the trap of doing wrong?
- Trying to control the alcoholic so that he does not drink or how much he drinks.
- To threaten a husband suffering from alcoholism with a divorce with complaints to law enforcement agencies or an employer, while never completing any of the threats.
- Blindly continue to believe her husband, once again promising to stop drinking. Such a promise does not mean that it will not happen again. After all, after the first drink, the alcoholic can no longer control his actions.
- Arguing, arguing, hysteria, begging, no matter how unbearable it becomes for you, will not bring tangible results. On the contrary, this is exactly what he wants, even expects a drunkard husband from you. Then you actually lost the battle and he won. When you silently react, you avoid succumbing to his expectations and do not let alcoholism dictate the terms of your behavior.
Set boundaries for your own well-being
It is hoped that, first of all, taking care of yourself or your children will affect the husband, help him overcome the addiction to alcoholism. To do this, you need to clearly understand what to do if your husband is an alcoholic, and what are your right and wrong actions? Then, having developed certain tactics, you will be free to set the boundaries of your well-being.
You (not your alcoholic husband) set boundaries for your own spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being. It is your responsibility to protect yourself from any negative or destructive behavior of an alcoholic husband.
Setting boundaries is an opportunity to stay mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. For example, you should not woo a drunken husband, but rather leave him to go to another room and go about his business. If he asks why you are leaving the room, tell him the truth. That you have no power to control your behavior and no desire to be around when he gets drunk or drinks. Explain that you have no desire to see his drunken antics, but when he sobers up, you would like to talk to him.
The next day, in a conversation, you can say that you love him (if feelings remain), but at the same time hate the booze to which he is subject because your relationship is crumbling because of them. Thus, you leave a straw or an outstretched hand for the drinking person to save.
Taboo on sexual relations
The wife of an alcoholic is not obliged to enter into an intimate relationship with a dirty, drunk, or pissed-off spouse. Otherwise, he allows himself to be insulted, humiliated so much that he will soon cease to respect himself, having lost his sense of dignity.
The husband should know that when sober he can and has the right to count on the caresses of his wife and marital relations. Although such boundaries are hardly an easy task, thanks to this, the marriage partner can at least try to drink less.
Caution: This method is not applicable if such boundaries cause the husband’s aggression or violence towards his wife.
Explain the situation to the children
It is your responsibility to talk to your children about the boundaries you have set and how you should behave with your drinking husband. Explain to them that the father is addicted to alcohol, which is a disease. He can be helped if he does the right thing, doing everything together. Children, even if they are angry with their father, must know that it is not their fault for his alcoholism.
The husband is an alcoholic, what a woman should do is one of the burning issues that worries the wives of husbands who have suffered from drunkenness. It is worth understanding that in many cases in such alcoholic families everything is played out according to the typical scenario of the Karpman triangle.
Where the top is a pursuer, that is, a woman who constantly scolds her faithful. The other side is the victim tolerating male alcoholism. The third is a lifeguard serving her missus.
Therefore, for real, effective help, avoid all three sides of the triangle – is a rescuer, a stalker, and also showing yourself as a victim.
When a husband has no desire to give up alcohol or he repeatedly swears that this will not happen again and so constantly, then stop being a savior for him. The fact is that waking up after drinking and not seeing all of yesterday’s disgusting, it is unlikely that the spouse will believe women’s reproaches. He will think that his wife’s words are just an over-dramatization of yesterday’s harmless relaxation. Therefore, let him see the consequences of his drinking and try to eliminate them himself.
Remember, in a relationship with an alcoholic, the rescuer is always the ball that you can kick. And who will certainly be avenged for salvation, since by saving a man, a woman gradually shows him that she is stronger than him?
Also, stop being a stalker by looking for his stash or sniffing out his scent and then scandal. This practice only provokes rudeness on the part of the husband. Also, avoid making yourself look like a victim by constantly complaining about how unlucky you are, how bad your life is, and what a worthless husband you are.
Be sure to consult a psychologist on how to do the right thing, given your particular situation. At the same time, you should not wait for a decision from him. Since no sane psychologist will do two things:
- He will not blame his wife for everything in her husband’s alcoholism. Whatever the relationship, but the decision to solve problems with alcohol, in the end, takes a drunk person.
- He will not insist on advice like: divorce or not. It will help a woman to consider the consequences of a particular choice, as well as the difficulties and problems associated with a particular decision. She will also try to raise her own self-esteem, taking her out of the state of the victim. But the decision will ultimately be made by the woman herself. Because it is she, and not the psychologist, who will have to live with the consequences of her decision.
Therefore, a woman must clearly understand what to do with an alcoholic, what she will have to face when living or divorcing a drinking husband. Then analyze everything, weigh it, and only then make a decision yourself.