You have fallen in love with her and she doesn’t even know you exist. You love him, but he just wants to be your friend. You think you would be a perfect match, but it doesn’t even cross her mind that you could be together. Why? she doesn’t love me? In Bigmatrimonial we provide you with the psychological explanation for that question. Keep reading!
Why don’t you want me as a couple
Sometimes we find the situation that we like a person, and it is not reciprocal. We fantasize about going out with her, we get closer, we become her friend, we gain confidence and we launch ourselves. And zasca. Or we ask you to leave… And silence. Or a resounding no. The point is that he does not want us as a couple and the explanation he gives us at the moment seems improvised, an excuse … The reality is that it is very unlikely to be a thoughtful explanation. Most people do not have time or think about why they do not want to be with another person as a couple. But that does not mean that the feeling is less valid. The reasons for this feeling can be many, and very varied:
- Different ideological, political, ways of seeing life, etc.
- Incompatibilities of the day to day, little things that he has realized that as a couple he could not endure.
- Lack of things in common, same interests, hobbies, etc.
- Different vital goals (ex: one wants to live in another country and the other does not, one wants daughters and the other does not , etc.)
These previous four are included within the lack of cognitive consistency . People try to maintain coherence between our beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. Therefore, from this perspective, we will want a couple that has the same ideas and hobbies that we do.
- Lack of attraction, chemistry.
- Incompatible personalities. Some studies have shown that the traits most valued in people are grouped into two sets: affect (affectionate, friendly, considerate, etc.) and competence, which includes social skills and intelligence.
- A combination of the previous ones.
Most importantly, none of those reasons makes you a less valid or less deserving person to have a relationship with. It can be easy to fall into self-destructive explanations and undermine your self-esteem of why he does not want to be with you, but nothing is further from reality, or he simply would not have approached you from the first moment. The best thing, if you have these kinds of thoughts, is to let some time go by and then ask if there is any special reason why he doesn’t want to be with you.
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She doesn’t want to be with me, but she seeks me out, why?
He may not love you as a partner but may appreciate you for other forms of relationships, such as friendship or sexual relationships. You do not need to be in love or love a person to be attractive, interesting or even want to sleep with her.
Also, that he does not want to be with you does not mean that he does not love you, but that he does not love you romantically. But friendship is an equally valid form of love, even though we have been led to believe that the only way to truly love is in a couple relationship.
What to do when she doesn’t love you
What can we do when the person we like does not love us? First think about what you are really looking for and if you really love him or not. Consider why you want to be with her. This question is important because there are a series of factors that have nothing to do with love that can push us to want to be with someone. Let’s see some examples:
- The fear of loneliness. Actually, you want to be with that person because you do not know how to be alone or for fear of being alone, and in this case, it is best to have a few sessions with a psychologist to help you deal with this issue before embarking on a relationship.
- Infatuation. This case is quite likely, especially if you have known the person for a relatively short time. With the hormonal cascade that causes infatuation, it is easy to confuse it with love. Falling in love only lasts for a while, and when it passes, you can really see love, or not. You do not choose who you fall in love with, but who you end up loving, so, although it is hard, if yours is a capricious infatuation and she does not want to be with you, the best thing is to let it be before doing more damage to yourself unnecessarily.
- Sexual attraction. You may only want to be with her because you are sexually attracted to her, and you mix it with love for various reasons, such as the hormonal kick that causes you, the infatuation or the fear of being alone, or because in the culture in which we live sex and love are closely associated. In this case, that she loves you is not an essential requirement to be with her. You do not need to be aware of yourself or anything that you can associate with the condition of “loving”. Be honest and establish the relationship that you both want.
If you really love him, all you can do is reveal your feelings to him so he knows, if you want. But if she doesn’t love you, and she told you, and you know it, that’s it. Do not insist. The world is full of wonderful people to love, and there are many ways to love and love. You can find another who loves you just as you love her, or not. That they do not love you romantically or do not have a love relationship, is not a sign of failure, or that you are not worthy of being loved. They can love you in many ways and your life can continue to be full.
She does not love you. You do It’s like a stab, but the world doesn’t end.
Eric Cameron is a passionate relationship coach and counselor with a focus on helping couples reconnect and build strong and lasting relationships. He has years of experience working with couples and helping them to understand the intricacies of healthy relationships. He also provides guidance on how to maintain a healthy relationship and deal with difficult topics. Eric’s approach is tailored specifically to the couple’s needs and he has a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw upon.