Classifying a couple as normal or abnormal is a bit complex, since each relationship dynamic is unique and unrepeatable. The dynamics of each pair are a repetition of what each person has learned in the past. Of the avoidable and the inevitable or of the conscious and the unconscious. All these learnings come into play with each new discovery and each change in life. In this article with discuss about multiple breakups with the same person, is it normal.
The truth is that nobody teaches us to be someone’s partner. Everything we know comes from what we have observed in our role models, in our friendships and our own experiences from the past. Therefore, you may not know what to do if your partner leaves you several times and then wants to return with you.
In this Bigmatrimonial article, we will talk about the following situation: My partner has left me several times, is it normal? We will look at the possible reasons that can lead someone to return again and again with the partner and what to do if you find yourself in an intermittent relationship.
Why does my partner leave me and come back
My partner has left me several times, is this normal? Many relationships end because at times it is easier to walk away than to communicate, to get angry than to understand each other, and to avoid than to confront. In psychology, this way of acting is called “acting.” This term refers to when we begin to act in a way because we are not able to put it into words.
Sometimes, behind the separations there are many silences, differences of opinion or ways of being and acting. Things not said end up undermining and breaking the couple. So why is the relationship resumed?
Next, we will see the main causes of why your partner leaves you and returns:
- Fear of change : each break is a frustration for the person and the couple that requires a mourning for the loss of the dreams and ideals that were built with that other. As in any grieving process, there is a period in which we resist losing what we do not want to lose.
- Hope for change : the feeling may arise at that moment that we could have done things differently. That maybe the relationship would have been saved if one of us had acted in a certain way. It is then when, if the two parts of the couple are aligned in that thought, the second, third and fourth opportunities appear. Often times, this hope is illusory and motivated by dependency.
- Guilt : sometimes, reconciliation is an attempt to repair that arises from guilt, for not understanding what happened, what we did wrong and for the desire to make things work again.
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Each couple is a world that must analyze as a particular case in order to determine what they need to resolve their conflicts. It should be noted that the most frequent causes of breakdown are communication problems and psychological distance . In these cases, when the couple breaks up several times, and then returns, it means that they have not been able to communicate successfully and that each one lives in a different reality that they do not share with the other person.
There are other types of relationships where the comings and goings of the relationship are due to emotional dependence. In these cases, the person returns because they feel they need the other , even though they also know that it is not good for him or her. They are couples who have tried to get out of that dynamic many times, but not only do they not succeed, but the need to return becomes stronger and stronger.
At the brain level, in these types of reactions a reward circuit is generated similar to that generated in addictions. The relationship becomes an addiction , as if it were a drug. The moment of pleasure of reconciliation is so strong that it silences or omits the pain of the breakup.
What to do if I am in an intermittent relationship
If you are in a relationship that comes and goes, you may wonder if the repeated terms in your relationship are normal. Here’s what to do if you’re in an intermittent relationship:
- Identify what the dynamics of the relationship are and how it makes you feel : each relationship is a different story that must be analyzed in a particular way. Each couple that tries to reconcile again hides a reason behind their term, a reason why they want or need to try one more time.
- Ask yourself why you want to try again : There are many reasons why you may want to try again one more time. Perhaps there is something that you need to repair and you do not know how or you have a reason that causes you an urgent need to return to that person. It is important that you give this question a space, since it probably hides something important from your relationship.
- Ask yourself why now : if you wonder if it is normal that your partner has left you several times, before emitting any prejudice, ask yourself the following: What is it that is making noise in your relationship today? Why does this question arise today and did not arise before? What is it that appears as different?
- Go to a professional : a guided accompaniment helps to determine what your attempts to return and continue the relationship are due to. A professional will help you to acquire new communication tools and to perceive if there is any unconscious factor to work on to break an old harmful pattern.
- Know yourself : discover what is in you that leads you to connect with these types of dynamics or situations. It is the only thing that will allow you to have the necessary consciousness to be able to freely choose what you want in your life. Then you can decide what is worth working on to try again one more time.
In short, going back into a relationship several times, without being clear about the real problem, can be quite frustrating. Most likely, the patterns that harm the couple and that were the ones that caused them to break up the first time will continue to repeat themselves.
Another important aspect to consider is that, as Rolon says, sometimes in order to achieve a healthy relationship, in which one feels good, a person must leave behind the temptation to stay with others who hurt them. It is not easy, because there are no casual choices. There is always a reason that leads someone to choose what hurts them. Professional help can help you figure out what it is.
This article is merely informative, in Bigmatrimonial we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to multiple breakups with the same person? We recommend that you enter our relationship category.
Eric Cameron is a passionate relationship coach and counselor with a focus on helping couples reconnect and build strong and lasting relationships. He has years of experience working with couples and helping them to understand the intricacies of healthy relationships. He also provides guidance on how to maintain a healthy relationship and deal with difficult topics. Eric’s approach is tailored specifically to the couple’s needs and he has a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw upon.