Making Demands In A Relationship

How to act if you are a demanding person in the couple

The demanding person is one who needs to demand of others and finds it difficult to see their share of responsibility. Humans are social beings who need contact and relate to others to have an emotionally adaptive and healthy development. 

When a person has felt the lack of attention in childhood, they will need to cover it later, you can do it with multiple demands, surely through the relationship.

What does it mean to “be a demanding person”?

Being a demanding person means that you need attention and your discomfort is visible when you do not receive it. You need acceptance and you can get it in a seductive or victim way, no social or work conflicts arise, but in your most intimate circles your needs are reflected in an unpleasant way : demands, criticisms, reproaches and/or complaints.

The applicant’s objective is probably to get affection, which in the past he perceived as lacking, but that demand is not clear and manifests itself in many areas.

Either of the two individuals can be the one who exercises the role of applicant, the feeling they experience is that they expect more than they feel they receive, but they also do not know how to specify what they need, because it is not a matter of the present moment.

How are the demanding demands manifested?

In a couple it is important to know and respect the times and rhythms of each one. But the plaintiff complains about the other person’s actions. Because, he continually has to satisfy his own needs and that ends up suffocating the couple.

For example, in the case of young people who have been living together for a year. Manuela complains that Mario turns on the computer when he gets home and does not contribute to the housework.

Mario, tired of hearing the reproaches of his partner, attends the demand and no longer turns on the computer. Mario rejects his wish for an attempt to improve coexistence, now he sits with Manuela on the sofa to watch a series.

Although in his incessant demand, Manuela complains that he is looking at the mobile. Here we see that Mario has changed his behavior but Manuela continues to want more, continues to demand.

Making Demands In A Relationship

Do you recognize yourself as a demanding person or a complacent person?

According to the theory of Transactional Analysis, how human beings play different roles that we show as we grow. We have a parent, child, and internal adult who constantly interact.

“The demand to be loved is the maximum arrogance” – Friedrich Nietzsche-

If you see yourself reflected in Manuela, tell you that the result of dissatisfaction with yourself makes you project that constant complaint onto your partner, thinking that if the other person or the environment changes, your life will also change. But the opposite happens, the change is made from the inside out. 

If you feel identified with Mario, it is very tiring trying to meet the needs of your partner, and more if when you do it and you get everything he asks for it is not enough. You must learn to respect your time and only give in to those demands that you think are important.

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What options do we have if this affects the couple’s relationship?

– To change the dynamics of the couple, the applicant must seek help to be able to take responsibility for their needs and so that their dialogue with the other is constructive.

– End the relationship and ask yourself what has led you to continue with someone who you feel is continually dissatisfied, criticizes you or demands you change. In the event that you are the person who demands, review your family mandates so as not to repeat the same mistake. 

  • Do couples therapy. It is necessary to be able to follow some recommendations to recover the illusion in the couple and leave behind the reproaches, complaints and demands definitively.

Everything that is not worked on will continue to appear in other contexts and with other couples if it is not reviewed.

How can you change the attitude of demand for a more constructive one?

The fact of being demanding with the other, may be linked to the demand with yourself, so keep this in mind to improve step by step:

  • Be aware of your demands: Take charge of the needs that are yours and do not put the responsibility of fulfilling them on others.
  • Transform the complaint into desire: Instead of reproaching what has not been done well, inform the other of how you would like them to have done it. Try to be constructive rather than destructive. 
  • Rectify because it is wise: If you have not been able to control the impulse, ask for forgiveness and for every bad word, add a genuine compliment. Don’t be afraid to say: – “I’m sorry.”
  • You, me, us: Have your own spaces, respect the spaces of your partner and agree on a joint space. This way the balance will be greater and there will not be so much complaint and resentment. 

It is never too late to improve the way you communicate

The first realization, even if it comes from outside, is necessary to begin to change if we want to improve our relationships. Since, that will mean that you will also improve the relationship with yourself.

Demanding behaviors are automatic and unconscious. Do not feel guilty, on the contrary, realize what you have to improve to feel satisfied with your partner and with your life.