Divorce is a real test for both spouses. But life does not end there. How not to be discouraged, to decide on a new relationship and enjoy every day – says Tamsin Fedel in his book “Alone and Happy.” In this article we will discuss about how to survive after a divorce.
Stage 1: survive the first 90 days
The first 90 days after the divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you were left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the reasons for the family disorder. Tamsin Fedal compares this condition with loss. You’re lost and don’t know where to go next, whom to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” compiled a detailed action plan for readers for the first 90 days after the divorce. And a good advice about how to survive after a divorce.
1. Start by rebooting in your own home
Get rid of furniture that recalls a former husband. Throwing out or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. Unnecessary things can be sold, and with the proceeds to buy what you always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or a chic four-poster bed.
2. Organize your home space
How to survive after a divorce. Simply, Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.
Use the rules “Each thing has its own place”, “Similar to like” and “One thing to the house – one from the house”. When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to relax after the signal. Do not be lazy to take photos before and after – so you can see that even spot cleaning works efficiently.
3. Take care of yourself
Make a new hairstyle or at least just renew the haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga – there are millions of videos on the web with simple exercises. Over time, you will get a taste and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in a gym with heavy weights.
4. Audit the refrigerator
Everything in the bin is greasy and unwholesome: mayonnaise, sodium glutamate sauces, and low-quality chocolate. New life – a new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat in small portions when you feel hungry.
5. Plan daily activities
In the first months after the divorce, I don’t feel like doing anything at all, so push yourself. Sign up for courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Feeling bored with Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.
Psychologists say that communication, social interaction is one of the key ways to move on after the break.
Isolation evokes gloomy feelings that engender thoughts, words, and actions in us, which we will later regret.
6. Stop whining
Master your emotions – who controls whom, in the end? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress, use the “thank you bank” technique. Put a beautiful jar on the bedside table and every evening put a note there, in which the most positive moment of the day is recorded. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
Stage 2: learn to communicate with your ex-husband
Communication with an ex-husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to refrain from obsessive thoughts to talk with your soulmate and still find out the reasons for the family disorder. Unpleasant thoughts constantly revolve in my head: “I was too cold, or fat, or ugly, or inattentive, or non-sexual.” Tamsin Fedel advises not to share with your surrounding thoughts about your ex-husband (especially negative), and also follow a few simple rules.
1. Do not look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Solve everything else through intermediaries, acquaintances, or lawyers.
2. Do not store his things
All that he needs, he has already taken. Everything else is not of interest to him now and certainly will not interest him in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
3. Do not follow him on social networks
Remove him from your friends and do not poison your soul. Do it right after the divorce.
4. Do not paint a false image of an ex-husband
It is human nature to remember only the good. Release your memories for at least some period. Later, when the wounds heal, you will get these photos and letters, remember the lovely family evenings.
5. Do not use children as a shield
Or as a loophole for information. Do not set up children against the father. Your emotions will calm down, and the attitude of the children to the father will remain.
6. Do not speak about the former badly
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself sinned like that. She often found herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex-husband with a strong word. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
Stage 3: learn to date again
After the divorce, many women are tempted to go into all seriousness to prove to themselves (“and to this scoundrel!”) That they have retained sexual attractiveness for the opposite sex.
How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedal advises to adhere to two rules.
1. Do not look for the perfect man
Look for someone who respects you right now, someone who does not put off feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into his bed and snuggle under the covers.
2. Appreciate your principles
Do not forget – even for the sake of a chic man – about what is important to you. Do not be fooled into thinking about your needs and desires. Stay yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: a different hair color, weight, habits and addictions – nothing good will come of these relationships.
Stage 4: learn to build a new relationship
Often after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with new relationships and are ready to literally dissolve in a new man. The author of The One and a Happy Book honestly admits that she herself made some of the errors described. Tamsin Fedel had the strength to pull herself together. The invaluable experience has helped her develop some tips that will protect women from disappointment.
1. Be self-sufficient
Do not be humbled. If he does not call, you are not interested. There are no other options.
2. Keep a distance
Do not make a better girlfriend out of a man, much less a vest for tears.
3. Do not become a mom
If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea to bed, do not rush to do the same with the new man. Caught yourself like that? Get a dog and leave the man alone.
4. Accept his habits
It is futile to try to break and change another person. You are both established personalities, and if you are annoyed by his champing at the table, then you should think about it before moving in. Either take the man along with his habits, even those that infuriate you, or leave.
5. Look for a free man
This is really very important, and there can be no options “almost divorced”, “tomorrow we submit documents”, “we live for the sake of children”. Otherwise, you risk falling into a trap and becoming a banal lover.
Bonus: how to arrange personal life with children
Children are not a sentence for privacy. The main thing is to properly organize your free time and talk with the child. Do not forget: a child is a child, he is accustomed to consider himself the center of the universe and is unlikely to want to immediately share you with someone else. Tamsin Fedal has gathered some of the most valuable tips on how to date if you have children.
1. Talk to your children about your feelings.
Do not think that they are small and do not understand anything. Children are much more insightful than they seem, and easily guess that you dress up for a reason.
2. Do not lie about your personal life
Over time, the children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in their memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how old your children, eight or thirty-eight, they still need confirmation of your unconditional love. Show them clearly that no one will replace them with you.
3. Never confront yourself with the choice of “children or personal life”
Moreover, do not blame the child for having dedicated his life to him, but he has grown up and is going to live separately.
4. Ask for help
If you need the help of friends or relatives about how to survive after a divorce, do not hesitate to ask to sit with the children or do some homework. Are there any familiar mothers in divorce? Team up and help each other.
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Eric Cameron is a passionate relationship coach and counselor with a focus on helping couples reconnect and build strong and lasting relationships. He has years of experience working with couples and helping them to understand the intricacies of healthy relationships. He also provides guidance on how to maintain a healthy relationship and deal with difficult topics. Eric’s approach is tailored specifically to the couple’s needs and he has a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw upon.