How to Solve Couple Problems
Knowing how to solve couple problems due to mistrust is a skill that can be acquired as long as both members of the relationship are willing to communicate openly, lovingly and honestly.
In this article we will review practical strategies that therapists use so that people learn to trust their partner more.
How to Solve Couple Problems Due to Distrust?
Lack of trust is the central axis of many of the problems of contemporary relationships.
Here we explain a three-step behavioral strategy that you and your partner can turn to when they feel they are not trusting each other enough.
1. Identify Where the Problem Comes from: How to Solve Couple Problems
Whether the lack of trust is yours, your partner or both, the first thing you have to do is accept that there is a problem and no matter where it comes from, it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to solve it. .
This does not mean that in order to prevent your partner from distrusting you, you will stop going out with friends or doing things independently: that would not be healthy.
It means, on the contrary, that both admit that there is a situation that is not ideal (lack of trust) and they will work together to reach an ideal situation in which they trust each other fully.
Even if you feel that your partner is exaggerating or that you are only responding to the suspicions that his attitude causes you, remember that sharing blame is never the answer because that is concentrating on the cause and not on the solution.
2. Speak it honestly: How to solve couple problems
Having distrust of the couple does not mean that we do not love her, it means that something is not working well in the dynamics between the two.
Sometimes we are afraid that admitting lack of trust is equivalent to admitting lack of love. However, one of the most direct ways to overcome this problem is to learn to speak it frankly.
If you are afraid to tell your partner that you do not trust her, you can start by explaining that you understand that it is a situation that does not change what you feel for her in the background.
As they always say: communication is the key. They are two people who have decided to team up and part of it is to stop fighting each other and start fighting together against the problem.
Try to understand the true cause behind the inability to trust the other. Does it have to do with a harmful relationship from the past? With a childhood trauma? With a particular family configuration?
Simply speak freely and without judging everything you feel and work as a team to find answers. This activity by itself is able to strengthen the bonds of trust.
3. Look for a solution together: How to solve couple problems
Once you have accepted that you have a problem and have found the source of it, look for strategies that can help strengthen trust. Some examples are:
- Notify your partner with a loving message whenever you are going to be late.
- Introduce and link your partner with your family and with your friends.
- Share all the details you can of your day with him or her.
- Allow yourself to be honest when you are feeling distrust or jealousy and resolve it by communicating assertively in the moment.
- Put yourself in each other's shoes.
- Cultivate friendship by being complicit and confident, as well as boyfriends or husbands.
- Learn to be more patient and breathe deeply or count to ten before reacting defensively.
How to identify the lack of trust in a relationship ?
When you or your partner begin to act as if they were detectives of the other's private life instead of boyfriends or husbands, it is a sign that there is a lack of trust.
Here are some common situations in couples who have distrust. If you identify with one or more, it is likely that many of your relationship problems derive directly from this cause:
- Either one is tempted or need to check the other's phone.
- You feel uncomfortable when your partner leaves without you and / or your partner feels the same when you leave without her.
- One or both are often done looking to "uncover lies."
- You or your partner have a permanent feeling of discomfort from being "deceived" without being able to discover it for sure.
- They have done things like continuing to work or school and spying on each other.
- Their relationship frequently goes through dramatic and serious problems.
- They do not feel intimate or complicit with each other.
All these situations are "normalized" in the couple, but in reality they are not normal. If you live any of them, it is time to do something about it, before the problem "gets out of hand."
Mistrust phrases your partner can tell you
Some of the typical phrases that a person who does not trust you tells you from time to time or often are:
- - "I do not believe you"
- - «Now tell me the truth»
- - «Surely you were ... (doing something different from what you told me)»
- - «If you had nothing to hide, you would let me check your phone»
- - «I'm sure you would be unfaithful, if you had the chance»
- - «How could I know that you really are faithful to me?»
- - «You have to want to leave without me for something. Surely you are flirting / looking for another »
These are signs that there is a problem of lack of trust, even if they disguise themselves as a joke or have apparent importance, and you should be aware of them.
Read more: Couple Problems And How To Solve Them
What causes lack of trust in the couple?
Obviously the case of each relationship is different, because each person is a world, but we can say without fear that the three most frequent causes of distrust, in order, are:
1. Lack of self-esteem
A person has low self-esteem as a result of not accepting oneself as it is, or of feeling that others reject it because they do not fit society's standards and stereotypes.
Normally this problem appears during adolescence. When someone with low self-esteem begins a relationship, they feel they are about to "change him / her for someone better" all the time.
Then, instead of admitting the underlying problem, which is the lack of self-recognition, we begin to distrust all the time of the couple and try to retain it with useless strategies, such as spying on it, making jealousy scenes or suggesting that it is lying to us.
2. Not having overcome past problems
It can take a lot of work to trust your partner, if you have previously had other relationships in which someone was unfaithful or unfair to you. Even your current partner may have had a slip that you forgave, but that you never really got over.
If something like this happened to you, it is perfectly logical that you are on the defensive, always looking for signs that it may be happening again, but ... do you really think that is a healthy way to have a relationship?
When you have a different partner or decide to forgive him an infidelity, you have to leave all the damage they could do to you in the past. And if you feel that it is simply not possible, perhaps it is best to reconsider whether it is worth continuing together.
3. Childhood traumas
Traumatic childhood events can also make it hard for a person to trust their loved ones.
For example, when parents are alcoholics, violent or negligent, they send the message to the child that those who are supposed to love him, in fact they always hurt him.
When the child grows up, it is natural that he projects that feeling of betrayal or fear of abandonment that he had with the parents or caregivers in the sentimental partner.
If it is your case or that of your partner, it is important that they realize that they are different people: adults capable of fulfilling their commitments and loving in a healthy way, if they propose.
How to overcome distrust in the couple? A proven bilateral strategy
In general terms, when you look for how to solve couple problems due to distrust there are two strategies that work together:
- When it is the other who has distrust
- When it is you who has distrust.
1) When the other has distrust: reaffirm your love and commitment
Even if your partner knows that you love her and you know that he or she is with you because you really want it, it is very important to keep getting those little signs that reaffirm love and commitment.
One of the great causes of the couple's problems due to distrust is precisely that, after some time together, the members begin to assume that the other is loved.
2) When you are the one who has distrust: reaffirm yourself
Most of the time mistrust in the other comes from mistrust in ourselves, when deep down or unconsciously we feel that we are not "good enough" to have the affection, loyalty and faithfulness of the loved one.
If the distrust of what the person with whom you share your life does or does not make you sleep, you need to stop concentrating on the activity of the other and start focusing on yours.
Are you really doing everything in your power to become someone self-confident and with your own projects?
When we are codependents of our partner, we are not complete and live in panic that the other leaves and leaves us "in the middle". That's why we begin to become insecure.
Instead, when our healthy priority is ourselves and we work on our self-esteem, we can love and let ourselves be loved with confidence.
What does the psychology of distrust in the couple say?
Approaching psychology is one of the wisest ways to learn how to solve situations of lack of trust.
It is a discipline that leads us to the root cause of the problems. Don't just try to fix them superficially so that "it seems that everything is fine."
Fundamentally, psychology tells us that, although lack of trust is a problem that manifests itself in the dynamics and communication of the couple, it always has its real causes in the individual himself.
In the event that our partner can effectively deceive us, when we decide to enter into a relationship with someone the healthiest thing is to also decide to trust blindly. So we will be in peace and quiet instead of thinking all the time they lie to us.
If eventually it turns out that unfortunately the other abused this trust, you can end the relationship, but at least what lasted will have been healthier and more enjoyable for you. Remember that infidelities always come to light in one way or another.
Why is there distrust in the couple for no reason?
Distrust in the couple always has a reason, although sometimes it is not apparent.
It may be because the other is indeed giving us reasons to distrust, as very obvious signs that he was not where he said he was. But this is usually the exception and not the rule.
When distrust is a constant problem that apparently does not come from anywhere, it is because they have not had communication or honesty with themselves and with the other that is needed to identify the cause.
Jealousy and distrust in the couple: are they the same?
No. Although many times jealousy can come directly from distrust and distrust most of the time it ends up causing jealousy, it is important to learn to distinguish them.
If you realize that someone attractive is flirting with who you love, it is perfectly normal for you to feel jealous. But if, in addition to those jealousy, you don't trust your partner's loyalty, those jealousies will get out of control and become suspicions that won't let you sleep.
Jealousy is inevitable in a relationship, because we are all a bit territorial, but can be handled assertively when there is absolute trust.
However, when they encounter distrust, the result is usually an infinity of fights and bad times.
Knowing how to solve couple problems due to mistrust implies that both accept the problem, deepen it to find their true causes and focus on finding answers as a team, not as opponents.
If the problem begins to be very large and it is simply too hard for them to trust each other completely, they can always resort to partner therapy with an expert.
Read more: Traps That Successful Couples Avoid