Breaking with a dysfunctional partner dynamic is difficult, despite the damage it causes us. Sometimes as much as we understand the damage they cause, we don’t know how to end a toxic relationship. Many times we don’t even realize that we are in one.
In this article we will teach you to identify a toxic relationship and we will give you 10 tips so that you can end that toxic relationship or leave that vicious circle behind and can free yourself emotionally.
If everyone tells you that you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, it is not because “they are not seeing the whole picture” or because “they do not know the other person, who also has a good side.”
No one is saying that there are no salvageable things. But in general, when everyone starts to notice that the dynamics you have with the other is harmful, it is for something.
Stop justifying yourself with pretexts. Assume that your relationship is toxic, that it brings you more bad things than good and it is best to end it.
It hurts a lot to realize, but it is necessary to break the vicious circle.
How To Get Out a Toxic Relationship
What exactly makes a relationship “toxic”? As a rule, it is usually asymmetric or codependent. One party has too much power over the other, or both are unable to be functional independently.
It may be that the “toxic” in its dynamics has to do with possessiveness and jealousy, or with the need for one to control all the actions of the other. It may be toxic because one only gives and the other only receives.
Be that as it may, understanding why and how we get to this point helps us identify the emotional basis of the problem and cease to justify it, downplay it or ignore it.
How to Help Someone In a Toxic Relationship
All toxic relationships leave us with some “hidden reward,” a kind of benefit that we don’t want to give up and that’s why we bear the disadvantages of the relationship. That reward can be somewhat unconscious.
For example, in a toxic relationship loaded with jealousy and distrust, the hidden reward could be the possibility of reaffirming ourselves by having complete possession of another human being.
Read more: 37 Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
In a relationship where there is psychological abuse or excessive control, the victim’s hidden reward may be a justification for not leaving his comfort zone and taking charge of his life.
This hidden reward is the cause that, although we are aware that the relationship hurts us, we return to it again and again.
Find Valid Ways To Deal With The Underlying Problem
The hidden reward always responds to an individual underlying problem. For example, if we have a deep fear of being alone, we will build toxic relationships in which we give too much and demand too little in return.
As if the couple were “doing us a favor” by simply staying by our side. The hidden reward is not having to face loneliness, but if the relationship is toxic it is accompanied by insecurities and discomfort.
If the problem is the fear of loneliness, instead of trying to alleviate it while maintaining a relationship at all costs, we can cover it from another perspective. Maybe learning to be at ease and happy when we only have ourselves.
Surround Yourself With Positive People
It is easier to build healthy relationships if we surround ourselves with positive people. This applies to love, friendship, work and even to the family.
The difference between positive people and toxic people is that the former enrich relationships with their virtues, and the latter build relationships based on their shortcomings and shortcomings.
Building healthy relationships in other environments helps you notice the toxic characteristics of your love relationship. It is easier for you to keep firm your decision to end that relationship if you can see the effects of positive people in your life daily.
Write To You Of The Future
You have already made the decision to finish, but you are afraid that when you get angry or when you start missing the other you will lose your conviction.
It is best to anticipate the inevitable. If you know that soon you will deal with the great temptation to call or find your ex, write a letter to your self from the future where you remind him of all the good reasons that exist to keep the break.
It is a kind of withdrawal syndrome. You will have anxiety and wonder how to continue after ending a toxic relationship. It is inevitable, you will go through that unpleasant stage in any way, but you can help yourself not to relapse.
Read more: 5 Frequent Mistakes In Relationships
Turn The Source Of The Problem Into An Opportunity
If you already identified what was the emotional source of your toxic part of the relationship, and what hidden reward you got from it, you can now turn things around and turn the problem into an opportunity.
For example: you are afraid of loneliness. That may continue to be a pretext for toxic relationships, or it may be the perfect impulse for you to learn to:
- Be perfectly fine with yourself without needing anyone else.
- Value yourself again and understand that others are not “doing you a favor” by being with you.
- Surround yourself with people who do want to contribute positive things to your life, as well as recognize all the good that is in you.
Forgive And Forgive Yourself
When we are in a toxic relationship, we do and say things we are not proud of. We also make irresponsible omissions or allow abuse and damage to us.
These mistakes lead to much guilt and resentment. From guilt and resentment comes the feeling that “something remains to be fixed”, and the feeling that something remains to be fixed is responsible for our return again and again.
If you want to break this cycle, you must understand that you cannot change the past, but you can learn not to make the same mistakes again in the future.
Forgiving yourself does not mean being forgiving and continuing with the same attitude. And forgiving the other does not mean that you will return. Forgiveness towards oneself and others means that you will no longer allow the past to catch you and harm you.
When Someone Treats You Badly In a Relationship
How to end a toxic relationship is not only to let go of the bad things, but also the good ones, it is normal that it is painful and that we end up giving in to the urge to hold on and come back.
But, according to Buddhist philosophy, clinging to things, people or situations is something that only causes us pain, keeps us slaves from the outside world and prevents us from “moving forward.”
It is not necessary that you spend hours meditating to learn to let go. Just accept that sometimes things are not as we would like, and that the people we love are not always good for us.
Everything good in this life implies a bit of decision and firmness. Learning how to end a toxic relationship is something that will bring you many benefits. In the long term it will also help you forge a better character.
So as with any goal, stay in your posture and don’t give in to blackmail, pleas or threats. The relationship is over. Respect your decision.
If the other party refuses to move forward or overcome the issue, it is not your problem or your responsibility. Your commitment is with yourself.
What to Do After ending a Toxic Relationship?
It is very common for toxic relationships to follow a rupture-reconciliation scheme. Each time they separate, both parties get more hurt, but they come back and their codependency increases.
These types of patterns wear respect, self-esteem and trust in a relationship. As difficult as it is and you wonder how to end a toxic love relationship, it is best to end permanently and permanently. It is almost impossible to rescue her to be healthy.
Yes, as if it were a drug addiction. You must clean yourself and of course it won’t be overnight. It is a slow process and it takes a lot of patience. If you need help, you should ask for it. Clean yourself, clean your core and your environment. Cry if you need to. Crying will help you get everything from the inside, scream and let off steam.
You are amazing as you are. No one can convince you otherwise. All of you as a human being are exceptional. Yes, also with your flaws. Learn to be very clear about what you’re worth and who you are, they can’t do you less and you can’t let them do you less.
Take up all the activities you stopped doing to spend time with that person and if you didn’t have them, it’s a good time for you to start practicing them. Do what you like and enjoy doing it. Satisfy all your needs and think about what would make you happy.
Go to the movies, go eat, go out for coffee or lock yourself in your room to listen to your favorite band or read a book. Learn to do things alone, not to depend on anyone and enjoy yourself. Loneliness is helpful after having a toxic relationship. It helps you to get rid of everything that hurt you, to learn that sometimes it is not so bad and can become the best company.
Recover the friendships you lost. Call them and tell them you want to have coffee, talk or just live together for a while. Bring back the people who were really with you, but you left aside for one that actually made you feel lonely and you didn’t realize it.
How To End A Toxic Relationship Without Hurting?
Talk with your partner and let him see that the relationship does not bring anything good to either of you. Avoid:
- Think about what you want and why you want it . Take your time to consider your feelings and the reasons for your decision. Be true to yourself. Even if the other person can be hurt by your decision, it is okay to do what is right for you. You just have to do it in a sensitive way.
- Think about what you are going to say and how the other person could react. Will it get sad? Crazy? Hurts Or even relieved? Thinking about the point of view and feelings of the other person can help you be sensitive. It also helps you prepare. Do you think the person you break up with could cry? Lose the shapes? How will you deal with that kind of reaction? It is important to work emotional intelligence in these types of situations.
- Having good intentions . Let the other person know that you care. Think about the qualities you want to show towards the other person – such as honesty, kindness, sensitivity, respect and affection.
- Be honest, but not cruel . Tell the other person the things that attracted you in the first place, and what you like about her. Then say why you want to move on. “Honesty” does not mean being “hard.” Do not choose the other person’s qualities as a way of explaining what is not working. Think of ways to be kind and gentle while being honest. In this case, it is advisable to use different types of assertive communication .
- Say it in person. You have shared a lot with each other. Respect that (and show your good qualities) by breaking in person. If you live far away, try to make video conferences or at least one phone call. Breaking through social networks may seem easy. But think about how you would feel if your partner did that to you.
- If it helps you, trust someone you trust. It may be helpful to discuss your feelings with a trusted friend. But make sure that the person you trust can keep it private until you have your real breakup conversation with your partner. Make sure your partner finds out first about you and not about someone else.
What you must not do:
- Don’t avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have. Dragging things out makes it more difficult in the long run – for you and your partner. Also, when people postpone things, information can be leaked anyway. You will never want the person you are breaking with to hear it from another person before they hear it from you.
- Don’t rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through. You can say things you regret.
- Do not disrespect him. Talk about your ex with respect. Be careful not to gossip or talk badly about him or her. Think about how you would feel. You would like your ex to only say positive things about you when you are no longer together. Also, you never know, your ex could become a friend or you could even rekindle an affair one day.
Words to end a toxic relationship should be very measured and prudent. And they should not be used as weapons, nor come from anger and resentment.
Benefits Of Ending A Toxic Relationship
You Have More Time For Yourself
This is the most significant advantage, even when we believe that sharing our time with someone is a unique experience; of course it is; However, many times we give more of the bill, so spending time alone after a break-up can be an excellent opportunity to get to know each other better and have more autonomy over ourselves.
- Begin to face your emotional problems, so you can address them.
- Have peace of mind, because you will not be fighting or enduring blackmail and mistreatment all the time.
- Recover your security and self-esteem.
- Have more energy and time to interact with people who are good for you.
The Grieving Process Helps You Get to Know Yourself Better
Some breaks are usually so strong and intense that they require more time or professional help to be overcome. Although there are people who are ashamed to go through that situation, therapy is helpful to assimilate the situation and after that, to learn new things about yourself on the go. Of course, friends will always be our first support in that difficult process.
You Can Take Advantage of Sadness for Creative Processes
While some let sadness progressively become depression without objection, others openly confess that feeling is the best ally when it comes to finding inspiration to express themselves. Not for nothing there are countless works of art whose theme is the lack of love or loss of being loved. We must learn to accept that feeling and live it without letting it consume us, and why not ?, also try to take advantage of it.
You can Meet up With the Friends You May have Neglected
Many times even if we don’t want to, we neglect our friendly relationships when we have a partner. We usually forget that true friends are unconditional and that sometimes, couples will not be. In that case, the best we can do is try to get closer to those old classmates. They will become the best allies and therapists.
You Feel More Relaxed Because the Sudden Discussions are Over
Although it seems surprising, moving away from a toxic relationship rather than harming ourselves with depression, generates a great benefit to our mental and physical health. Anyone recognizes that stomach ache when a stress situation is going through, just like the feeling that fights bring with someone who greatly influences our lives. Therefore, rather than sadden ourselves for the loss, we should be grateful for the weight we have taken from our emotional health.
After all the emotional chaos we deal with to overcome someone and, above all, to regain inner peace, we may finally be ready to begin a new courtship. Experience tells us that before this process it is not recommended to find a partner, because we must give ourselves time to assimilate, accept and forgive the issues that remained from the previous relationship. That way we are less likely to repeat mistakes with another person.
Although everything seems dark at the beginning and the pain goes beyond what you could imagine, over time we realize that the person who looks in the mirror has smiled again and is happy.
The experience with your love of the past will make you grow as a person and will give you great lessons about love and about relationships; about what you want and not in your life. Maybe at this time you do not think it is possible to resume your life, but we assure you that you will be well and that tomorrow you will be grateful for everything you have lived.
How To End A Toxic Relationship With Children?
Leaving a toxic relationship when there are children can be complicated, because it is difficult that all this toxicity does not affect them in one way or another.
The main thing is that the children do not go through anxieties and guilt that belong to us. Parents must resolve their issues, not put children in discussions or speak ill of the other in their presence.
What To Do After Ending A Toxic Relationship?
These are some of the things you should do coming out of a toxic relationship:
- Congratulate yourself You have just taken an important step for your well-being.
- Surround yourself with positive people who give you a new point of view.
- Keep your mind busy on good things for you.
- Avoid the temptation to return.
How To Forget A Toxic Relationship?
It’s not about forgetting anything. In fact, the ideal is that you never forget what happened, how you got to that point and what consequences it had for you. This way you will use that experience as a source of learning so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.
Toxic Relationship: TEST
If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you are very likely to be part of a toxic relationship:
- Get angry when the other person does not take you into account for everything he does, says or plans?
- Experience constant jealousy and / or do you have to deal with your partner’s jealousy all the time?
- Stop going out with your friends so your partner doesn’t bother?Feel that your partner has to validate all your opinions or actions?
- Do they use break threats as a form of control?
- Are they constantly finishing and coming back?
How To Overcome A Toxic Relationship?
Surely you already realized that the answer to how to end a toxic relationship has a lot to do with self-esteem.
Being immersed in a toxic relationship does not make us worse people nor does it necessarily mean that one of the two is the “villain” in history. We are human beings and we all make mistakes.
But if you already identified that you are in a dynamic that hurts you, there is no excuse, you must arm yourself with will and get out of there, even if it hurts.
6 Characteristics Of A Toxic Relationship
If you meet any of these signals, you are in a toxic relationship:
- One of the parties has too much control over the other. It reviews the messages, gives or denies “permissions”, threatens or “punishes” them.
- One of the two stops doing things he enjoys doing for fear of reprisals from the other.
- There is codependency. They need each other sickly, instead of enriching each other.
- There are frequent threats of rupture when one of the members does not yield to the unfounded demands of the other.
- One part only receives and the other only gives. There is no reciprocity.
- One of the members reaffirms himself through attitudes that disparage the other. Such as insulting him or telling him that nobody wants him.
Eric Cameron is a passionate relationship coach and counselor with a focus on helping couples reconnect and build strong and lasting relationships. He has years of experience working with couples and helping them to understand the intricacies of healthy relationships. He also provides guidance on how to maintain a healthy relationship and deal with difficult topics. Eric’s approach is tailored specifically to the couple’s needs and he has a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw upon.