Forgiving or not forgiving infidelity is an interesting question that will depend on important factors such as the length of the relationship, the type of infidelity, cheating, family commitments, though. above all, it depends on the will of both. If the decision is made to continue together, it is advisable to take certain attitudes that make it easier for the wound to heal, although it is not easy The post I wrote a while ago: Being cheated on is not so bad, it has many visits and one of them I wrote the following message:
Hi Natalia, my name is M. I am 17 years old and I have been with my partner for 1 year and 9 months. Recently he has armed himself with courage and told me that he was unfaithful to us when we had been 5 months. After a lot of crying and a lot of thinking about everything, I have decided to go ahead and accept the facts, the rest of the time we have been wonderfully well and it is a great support for me. The fact is that the one that I have time to think about or I am alone, the topic starts to spin in my head and I can’t get it out or forget it. I don’t want to continue like this because I’m not having a good time. If you could give me some advice on how to forget it, or how to cope with this, it would be very helpful, Thanks in advance!
Requests for help get deep inside me because behind there is someone having a really bad time and not knowing what to do or who to turn to. The first thing I want to comment on is that I am not a specialist in this topic, so I am going to give my personal opinion based on the years I have been helping people to gain self-confidence and improve self-esteem with the Self- confidence course and various readings. I have done, because it is a subject that I am passionate about, both from a biological point of view, as well as a sociological and philosophical one. Let’s see then what attitudes can help to overcome an infidelity:
1. It is possible to forgive, many have done it
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It is essential that you are aware that it can be done and that, even if difficult times come, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you just need to continue taking steps. The University of Missouri conducted a study with 587 people who had been cheated by their partners and, after a period of six months, the data indicated that, when it is possible to forget what happened and start again, the chances that the relationship will strengthen increase. Apparently, men and women are not willing to forgive and forget the same things. The universities of New Mexico, Texas, and Florida analyzed 256 people and found that“It is easier for men to forget and forgive an infidelity if it is an emotional deception and not a merely sexual betrayal. On the contrary, women find it much more difficult to forget treason if emotions have been involved, than if it was only a sexual adventure.
2. No one is perfect, it could have happened to you
We are all wrong. We screw up, we say things that hurt, we have attitudes that do not help harmony, we protest, we complain, all this affects the relationship, therefore it is necessary to understand that:
3. A relationship is a matter of two, overcoming infidelity too
Couples go through peaks and valleys, through passionate, boring, tender moments, of support for companionship, of anger … and the sum of these moments builds the relationship. If the balance is positive and both are worth it, why not try to overcome the difficult moments? To overcome difficult situations it is very important that both parties intend to continue loving each other and enjoying each other’s company. It is also convenient to establish the bases (as regards fidelity) for the relationship from that moment on. Loyalty (and how it is worn) is a matter of couple, of what both decide about it, there are many people (such as polyamorous people)) who opt for an open relationship, for me the important thing is agreement and honesty, but we don’t always manage to carry out what we set out to do …
4. Have you been unfaithful? You have a lot to contribute to overcome it
Your attitude towards infidelity is crucial for you to overcome it:
- Be frank and don’t lie, but don’t give details
- Do you think you were wrong or would you have preferred it not to happen? sincerely apologize
- Avoid all contact with the person with whom you have been unfaithful
- Changing habits can help you. If you continue to match the person, it will be more difficult for you and will cause mistrust in your partner
- If you commit to a certain form of relationship, stick to it. If you can’t do it, it is better to speak it to change the commitment or leave it
5. Has your partner been unfaithful? You can also do a lot of your part
Your way of reacting and behaving has a lot of influence on conflict resolution:
- Talk to your partner and explain how you feel, but don’t ask questions about the “other person”, that will only cause you more pain
- Try not to disrespect the person, even if you feel anger or sadness. It can help you a lot to do two or three abdominal breaths when you notice that you are getting nervous.
- Do not try to punish or take revenge on your partner
- Be patient and try to channel the emotions
- Try to forget. It is about making an active effort, not a passive one, letting the obsessive thoughts go and trying to distance yourself.
- You may have lost confidence in the other person, but think that:
Trust is a matter of decision
- Make a conscious decision that jealousy is caused by the other person’s attachment and desire for possession
- Sometimes there is a loss of self-confidence, since self-esteem is damaged, but he thinks that infidelity does not have to do with how you are but with the relationship itself
6. Turn suffering into sadness
Suffering is a great teacher if we look at it without trying to escape it
If you do not try to avoid it, it softens and turns into sadness, which is much less harmful and opens up the possibility of healing the wound and learning. Suffering brings anguish and stress, which produces harmful biological and chemical reactions for the organism and causes headaches, insomnia, depression, lack of energy, etc. Instead sadness causes tears. Don’t even think about stopping them! Crying has been shown in recent studies to help you feel better because tears release the hormones responsible for stress and pain.. But it is not only a physical issue, sadness is a great teacher, it helps us to mature, to deepen things, to know ourselves, to understand ourselves, it helps us to grow as people, to feel empathy, to listen and listen to ourselves and to see the Reality in all its fullness, but instead of receiving it with open arms, we try to avoid it by all means, including hiding it. And to turn suffering into sadness, try not to wallow in thoughts about “the thing.” When they appear, take two or three abdominal breaths and let the thought go, don’t get caught up in the details.
7. If you manage to overcome it, it is not a point and apart but a new relationship
When a strong couple crisis occurs and you decide to persevere, it is important to understand that you can not return to the starting point, it no longer exists, it is rather about creating a new honest relationship that contributes to the happiness of both. For this it comes in handy:
- Try to strengthen the couple looking for moments of company and mutual enjoyment
- Devote attention and time to untangling the tangle of conflict
There is a beautiful story called The Skeleton Woman in Clarisa Pinkola’s book : Women who run with the wolves that explains well how to untangle the tangle of “death”, which is part of life as a couple. Every crisis is a “death”. “Whether you want to or not, you surface, for without it there can be no true knowledge of life, and without this knowledge there can be no loyalty, no true love or affection. Love is expensive. It costs the price of bravery. ” That “death” gives rise to a new life. “Loving means staying when all the cells scream” Start running! ” You can’t go back to the starting point, don’t look for it.
8. Give yourself the time you need
Sometimes we make a decision (stay, forgive, return, leave …) and we believe that this decision is the point of arrival when in fact it is the starting point of a new path. For a time there will be questions, doubts, mistrust, and one needs to be willing to face it, to face those situations until the wounds heal and confidence is restored. Always remember that:
9. You are free both to leave and to stay by his side.
If you decide to stay, try to do it with joy (despite the pain and sadness). My experience unraveling skeins is very positive and confirms what we said in the first point: there is light at the end of the tunnel and you just need to keep taking steps. As the I Ching says: Perseverance brings happiness. Infidelity is a fact that if for some people it is impossible to continue with the couple, for others it is an opportunity to be able to work together and open a new stage in their lives.