Are you having a relationship where your partner doesn’t seem to be fully involved? Do you feel like your relationship is stagnant? Why is fear of commitment so widespread today? Why is it especially difficult for men to commit to their partner, despite even being in love? Is it possible to do something about it? In this Bigmatrimonial article: What to do when a man is afraid of commitment, we try to shed some light on it.
Fear of commitment: men
Table of Contents
The famous sociologist Zygmunt Bauman wrote that in modern life there is always a suspicion that one is living a lie or a mistake, that something crucially important has remained unproven and unexplored, that some opportunities for happiness have not been seized in time and are destined to be lost forever.
When we are children, we have the freedom to experiment and create, to know and discover. We can imagine that we are explorers, artists, kings, magicians, superheroes or villains. The possibilities are virtually endless. However, as we grow up, in order to fit into adult life, a series of rules and limitations are imposed on us, which our peers see as acceptable, and which allow us to coexist in a certain harmony, providing us in turn with information about how they will behave. Thus, we avoid chaos, in exchange for reducing, in a certain sense, our freedom. This process is known as socialization.
In this way, as we go deeper into adult life, we leave behind the possibility of experimenting with many childhood roles to choose a vital path. For many, this process is lived normally and does not have notable implications in their lives. Others, on the contrary, come to feel “confined”, either because of their own choices or because they feel that they have been assigned to a path that departs from what they expected . When we commit to a partner, we commit to a story. However, there may be nooks and crannies for the path we did not choose: what other stories could we have been part of?
Bauman spoke of our nostalgia for the lives not lived , the unexplored identities and the paths that were not taken. The digital age in which we are immersed gives an unprecedented exit to this crossroads, especially in terms of relationships. With just a simple mobile application we have at our disposal hundreds of profiles of women and men to meet. With minimal effort, without leaving home, we can engage in multiple conversations with countless potential candidates. Why commit to one person, with the next person available around the corner?
Why men are afraid of commitment
One of the most common reasons men fear commitment is that they can see it as the end of their freedom . Through misconceptions about love and relationships, they assume that having a partner will corner them with responsibilities and they will never be able to live a carefree life again. At other times, commitment is equated with boredom, and they find the idea of getting more involved unappealing. Many guys can be in a relationship for fun and don’t consider exclusivity to be a consideration. A classic reason is bitter memories of past relationships and reprehensible behaviors by a former partner, so they may be afraid to re-experience suffering.caused after a painful breakup. Other frequent reasons are the lack of trust in the person or in the relationship, the lack of maturity and personal insecurities.
How to overcome fear of commitment
If you have to choose between two options, you will probably choose the one that seems to have more advantages or qualities, or the one that seems “less bad”. But if you have 56 different varieties, it will take much longer to choose the most suitable one, and you will probably spend much more time examining the options, wondering even after you have decided, if it was the best or if the other options could have been the right ones. . The crux of the matter lies in missed opportunities, in the fear of making the wrong decisionand in need of control. However, we cannot ignore that life is full of decisions: from the moment we throw out the first porridge until we apply to enter a university. From the color of the shirt we wear in the morning to the choice of the vacation spot. And all of them, by their very nature, imply the loss of other options.
To overcome fear of commitment, it is vital to accept that the desire for complete security is not achievable for anyone, and that uncertainty is part of life. It is important not to torture yourself with discarded elections, focusing on the current moment and its advantages. Also, being honest and expressing what is happening is liberating, and helps to foster understanding and empathy in our partner. Being aware and motivated to change are catalysts for the process. However, there are many individual differences, and both personality, family relationships and the disappointments of the past play a fundamental role in our beliefs about couples and commitment. Sometimes, going to a psychologist helps us to elucidate our specific case, to understand what is happening to us, identifying our feelings and facing fears in order to move forward.
What to do when a man is afraid of commitment
How do you lose your fear of commitment? Here are 10 tips:
- Keep your life, your hobbies, your friends, etc. Don’t stop making plans just because he is available. It is important that you cultivate separate plots in your life where you can find spaces to do what you like.
- Respect their space, their relationships and their activities outside the couple. In a healthy relationship, moments of separation are necessary for you to reconnect with renewed energy.
- Try to open up with you, that the relationship is a safe place where you can express your fears, doubts and insecurities. Try to have deeper and more open conversations, free from judgment and criticism, where you can verbalize what you feel and think without fear of being judged or rejected.
- Don’t play emotional blackmailing. The only way to forge a real bond is to start being real ourselves. Games and manipulation only get games and manipulation. True intimacy is nurtured by honesty.
- Don’t let him pay for it all. It’s okay for me to invite you sometimes, appreciate the gesture, but don’t expect me to always do it and offer to pay yourself too. Show him that what matters to you is his person and his company, not his checking account. Money is a symbol of power, and the forces of both sides of the couple must be balanced.
- Do not become the detective on their social networks. Whether it’s out of jealousy, to examine potential threats, or out of need for control, monitoring your partner online is never a good idea: it puts you in a position of insecurity and puts your partner’s trust in check.
- Don’t compare him to your ex. We all know the saying “comparisons are odious”. And they are for a reason. It’s not about you hiding your past and acting like I’m the first man in your life. It is, rather, that you give it the weight that corresponds to it, and that your partner perceives that you place it in the past.
- Be clear with what you want. Many people are afraid that, if they are too sincere, they will “drive away” their partners. Thus, this strategy can be terrifying if you do not want to expose yourself, especially if you find yourself in a kind of “limbo”, through which everything seems to indicate that it is a relationship, but it has not yet been defined as such. But, if you gather the courage to face that awkward conversation, you will know where the other person is: if he wants to continue seeing you in a more informal way, if he wants to formalize yours or, on the contrary, you place yourself in completely different emotional places.
- Set a period of time when you are willing to leave. If your partner has no intention of moving forward with you, they will be happily relaxed in the “honeymoon phase” forever. Set the time frame you are willing to wait.
- Finally, turn the page if it doesn’t give you the site you deserve . It is time to walk away when you are in a relationship where you feel emotionally insecure, your feelings are not listened to or responded to with respect, where you cannot express yourself freely, if you know that it is not going well and, in the end, you do not feel happy. It will be painful at first, but it is always better than cheating or settling for something that is not close to what you want or is not enough. Take charge of your life and exit an unsatisfactory relationship. Maybe to find someone else, at best, to find yourself.
This article is merely informative, in Bigmatrimonial we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.