Maybe after reading our article to find out whether or not to continue a relationship, you may have noticed that your partner does not give you what you want. If this person does not improve your life and does not let you develop as a person, if you suffer from the relationship and do not feel good in it, perhaps it is time to make the decision to leave it. But at this point, many doubts arise: how do I tell him, how will he take it, what will I do alone … and, above all, does an important fear arise: the fear of suffering and making that person suffer that we have loved so much.
Therefore, in this Bigmatrimonial article we explain how to break up with someone you love. This document pretends to be a practical and simple guide with the steps to follow and the essential tips that you will be grateful to know if you are facing a breakup with your partner.
How to end a relationship without hurting and suffering
Table of Contents
Once the love is over and you want to end the relationship, the main objective is to do no more harm , neither among you nor to third parties. A breakup is not a war. He thinks that in complicated situations is when the kindness of the people is really demonstrated.
To proceed to leave a relationship it is essential to do it assertively, that is, respecting the other person but also respecting your decision. First of all, it is necessary that you are sure of your decision and that you feel prepared to carry it out. If not, go to a psychology professional to help you empower yourself.
Next, you must communicate your decision to your partner. At this point it is important not to look for culprits or make reproaches, as they only contribute to increasing pain. It is advisable to leave all the topics in common closed, say goodbye and cut off the contact.
It’s important to know that every break involves loss and many changes. It is normal and logical that it hurts, it is totally normal to have a bad time and feel sadness, frustration, anger, overwhelm, nerves … as well as it is usual to feel lost and have doubts. Having the expectation that the breakup will not affect you and that there will be no bad times is counterproductive, because it is most likely unrealistic and you are deceiving yourself. However, we can approach the situation in the healthiest and most respectful way possible to minimize damage and not suffer too much. In the next section you will see the steps to follow to leave your partner less painful.
How to leave your partner: 10 essential steps
In a breakup it is bad. But you can avoid complicating the situation and suffer more if you know how to leave your partner without hurting him. These are the 10 steps to follow:
1. Accept that love can end
Love evolves with the relationship, just as people grow, develop and change. Love can always end. Even when a relationship is going very well, it should be kept in mind that there is never a guarantee that love will last forever. In fact, although it is possible, it is the most unlikely. Therefore, the most adaptive is that you are realistic and aware that love can end and that in that scenario the best performance is to leave the relationship.
2. Appreciate everything shared
Give thanks for everything the relationship has brought you. Surely you have had very happy moments and that thanks to the relationship you have been able to have experiences and learnings that have helped you develop as a person.
3. Think about everything learned
When a relationship ends, it does not mean that the time it has lasted has been wasted. The important thing about relationships is not how long they last, but what they bring to our lives. Surely from the experiences with that person you get a great learning, both from relationships and from yourself.
4. Prepare emotionally
It is important that before leaving the relationship you feel convinced and prepared. That means that you work on your self-esteem and emotional management to be able to face the breakup in the most healthy and mature way possible.
5. Let your partner know that you don’t want to continue the relationship
Assertively explain that you have made the determination to leave the relationship, tell him the reasons and how you feel. Always speaking from your point of view and from your feelings.
Above all and above all: be respectful. You must treat the other person with respect and honesty. Do not let emotions take hold of you and lead you to perform actions that you know do not go with you or with your values and that later, when you look back, will make you regret it. Although there is no longer love, although there has been much suffering, think that every human being deserves to be treated with dignity and respect for the simple fact of being a person, regardless of how the relationship has gone.
The lack of respect and the bad treatment on their part does not justify that you can also do it, if the relationship makes you suffer, stay away. But always from respect and acting according to your values and beliefs. Well it is exactly that which will lead you to peace and well-being with yourself.
6. Thank time together
Even if the relationship ends, even if there has been a lot of pain, if you have something to thank that person for, do it. Gratitude will help you connect with what has made you feel good and will help you make sense of the relationship. This exercise will facilitate you to position yourself differently, with an attitude that will help you to leave the relationship in the past in peace with yourself and with the other person.
7. Don’t look guilty
It is easy to blame the other person, it costs more to take responsibility. However, when love ends, it is no one’s fault . Furthermore, the responsibility for caring for the relationship rests with both members equally. In any case, the time to analyze the acts and assume the responsibilities has passed. If you have already made the decision to end the relationship, it is not worth commenting on negative aspects. Try to avoid reproaches that will cause unnecessary discussion and pain.
8. Forgive him and forgive yourself
All of us make mistakes, surely many have been made during the relationship. Nobody is perfect nor are we born taught, little by little we are learning and improving.
- Forgive him. It is not for him or her, it is for yourself. The rancor will continue to unite you to that person and what you are looking for with the break is precisely to detach yourself. Revenge will not make you feel better in the long run, on the contrary, if you do things that you do not consider correct, in the future you will not feel proud.
- Forgive yourself. You are human, you can be wrong . All of us sometimes act improperly. The important thing is to know how to apologize and learn from mistakes. Always think that the past cannot be changed but can be used to grow.
9. Say goodbye and close the cycle
If you are sure or sure that ending the relationship is what you want, it is important to put an end to it. To do this, you must leave closed the topics that you have in common. Depending on what that means in your case, it will be a more or less long and painful process. My advice at this point is that, if things get complicated, go to the professionals who are necessary (lawyers, psychologists, mediators, etc.).
10. Cut the contact
The break must be clear to start the duel. As many experts and experts in couples therapy claim, the best way to end a relationship is to apply zero contact. For this, you must explain to the other person that the communication on your part is going to end and that you hope that on their part too, since it is for the good of both parties. Start by emptying your physical spaces of all those objects that make you think about the relationship and continue with your mobile phone: photos, social networks …
How to mourn after a breakup
Grief is the process of adaptation after a loss and usually lasts for a year. Each duel is unique and will depend on the characteristics of the person, the relationship and the breakup. The most important thing at this point is that you allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is completely normal for you to feel discomfort, pain, sadness, anger, emptiness, apathy, frustration, … Whatever you feel, it is normal and is part of the adaptation phase.
It is important that you know that grief is an active process, in which you must be involved. It is essential to listen to your emotions and feelings, accept and express them appropriately. For this, a highly recommended exercise is to write a letter or speak to trusted people.
There must also be moments of disconnection, that is, it is about finding the balance between not avoiding emotions, but also not letting them invade you , settle in you and incapacitate you. Remember that emotions go through you with a function. Sadness, for example, which is the most common emotion after a loss, leaves us without energy so that we stop to reflect and assimilate what has happened before taking action.
For all this, professional support would be ideal. It will teach you to manage emotions, to know yourself and to relate to others from assertiveness, thus building healthier and more beneficial relationships.
Tips for dealing with a breakup
It is worth mentioning that each person is different and that we cannot know what will be best in each case. Below, you will find the 10 most important general and main tips to keep in mind when leaving a relationship.
1. Avoid contact
The best thing for both people is contact 0. It is normal that you feel a strong need to return to contact, that is because the resistance to change is strong. It is easier to stay in the comfort zone, in the bad but known, than to jump into the unknown. However, if you want to bet on your well-being and personal development, it will be necessary to face the fear of the unknown.
The best is that:
- Don’t talk to that person
- Do not follow him on social networks
- Don’t look for information about him or her
- Do not ask him or her for mutual friends
- Don’t have common properties or issues that unite you
- Do not have any kind of contact
The exception is the case of having children in common. In that case, there does have to be contact but it must be limited to the minimum necessary for the care of infants and not be used as an excuse.
It is normal that at first you feel like knowing that person, it can be difficult not to contact him, and even more now that there are so many facilities with social networks. However, it is recommended to avoid physical contact, as well as telephone and online.
2. Trust yourself
If you have decided to leave the relationship, it is because you had your reasons. Trust your judgment and be firm in your decision.
In case you have not made the decision to end the relationship, you must assume that you cannot have a relationship with a person who does not want to be with you. Trust in yourself, your strengths and your abilities to overcome this situation and emerge stronger or stronger from it.
3. Find yourself with yourself
Usually, after getting very involved in a relationship, especially in toxic and painful relationships, the person has lost part of his identity. Many times, the exaggerated effort and dedication that are made with the purpose of “making a toxic relationship” work, make you forget about yourself more and more. Now is the time to think about yourself and recover. Take up old hobbies, friends or customs. As well as you can search and create new ones. It is about spending time with you, experiencing and discovering how you are in new facets of this new stage. Learning and enjoying your own company.
4. Do not get carried away by specific states
It is normal that in some moments melancholy invades you and you want to establish contact with your ex-partner. But remember that the brain tends to retain good memories more than bad memories, so your current view of the relationship is skewed.
5. Don’t force yourself to forget
The relationship has lasted more or less, if you are here it is because it has been important to you. So it will remain in your memory as part of your life. The goal is not to forget it, but to remember it in a healthy way: from time to time and in a non-painful way.
When the break is recent, it is normal for it to be remembered very often and painfully. The goal is not to forget it either, but to focus your attention on other things . When a memory or thought related to the relationship comes to your head, we may not let ourselves be carried away by it and consciously direct our attention to another matter, the task we are doing or the present moment. For this, it is great to learn mindfulness.
6. Allow yourself to be wrong
If you have just left your partner, you are probably going through a difficult situation, of changes and emotional pain due to the loss. It is normal for you to feel sad and nothing happens. Emotions are part of you and to manage them they must be heard and accepted.
Understand yourself and take care of yourself. It is very important that you listen to yourself and treat yourself kindly, and that you do not force yourself to be well when you are not. Your mood will improve as you go through the grieving process.
7. Lean on other people
It is estimated that there are approximately 3 stable relationships in life, on average. So you are not a “weirdo.” Most of the people around you will have gone through ruptures or other painful situations and will be able to understand your discomfort. Don’t be afraid to open up and remember that being strong is not hiding your emotions, being strong is being able to show yourself vulnerable. Let yourself be helped by your trusted people.
8. Avoid compounding the problem
It is important not to take refuge in alcohol, drugs, shopping, games, sex … they are patches that can relieve emotional pain and help you to escape, but be very careful because they are not effective in the long term and can cause an addiction problem. Emotions must be managed and not avoided.
9. Do not start another relationship without having gone through the grieving process
It is not recommended to start another relationship without having gone through the grief process of the previous relationship. It is another form of patch. Try to avoid pain and fear of loneliness through another partner. The problem is that this way you will not learn to manage your emotions, to adapt yourself to the situation or to face your fears. What you will achieve is choosing another partner in a hurry, without having given time to learn from the previous relationship, and putting your well-being in the hands of another person, laying the foundations for a relationship of dependency. Therefore, hooking one relationship with another is a mistake.
10. Keep believing in love
Another mistake that is often made is to blame love. After suffering in a relationship, it’s normal for you to say that you don’t want to fall in love again and that you don’t believe in love. You are hurt, frustrated and angry at all the discomfort you feel. However, this discomfort is not caused by love, but by heartbreak.
Saying that you never want to have a relationship because it can end and have a hard time is like saying that you don’t want to live because someday you are going to die. Relationships can end, yes, but they can also bring you a host of positive things. It is about enjoying love while it is healthy and learning to end the relationship when it causes suffering.
This article how to break up with someone you love is merely informative, in Bigmatrimonial we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.