It is going to be a very personal article of mine. Why? Because the subject of lying in a relationship or honesty in a partnership is extremely important to me. Ending a relationship with a liar is necessary.
I’ll go into that question in this article
- whether to break up if you find your partner is lying to you.
- where does it come from that people lie so much in relationships
- how to tell if the partner is lying to you
- what effect it has on the character
It never occurred to me to write an article about lies in the relationship for a long time, as I am extremely little confronted with the topic. Of course, this is not a coincidence.
It is my concern to remove unnecessary complexity from my life and make my life easier. Lies add complexity to your life because you always have to ask yourself: “Is he/she telling me the truth, or is he lying to me?” Because of this, when I find out that they are lying to me, I usually shut people out of my life right away. I always say:
You can’t choose who comes into your life, but you can choose who stays in it.
Over time, I have noticed with my customers and my environment that lies is a very big topic for people in a relationship, so I dedicate myself to this topic in this article and the associated YouTube video.
Why do people lie?
Lies are – if you take a closer look at them – a deliberate deception.
So there is a fact that is like A, but I tell the other person that it is like B even though I know it is like A.
But why are there so many lies in the relationship? In my opinion, there are only a handful of reasons for this:
Low self-esteem
Many people do not have the courage. They fear that if they speak the unpleasant truth, they will get into an argument, and they want to avoid it at all costs. You are conflict-averse.
Desired benefit
Sometimes people deliberately lie because they think they might get an advantage over being honest. According to the motto: “If I make the situation look better now, she’ll like me more.”
Fear of loss
Your partner may fear that if they tell the truth now, you will leave them. Or that it brings such a break in the relationship that nothing is like it used to be.
As you can see, these three reasons are all problems that lie with the liar himself. They do that in most cases. However, there is one exception where if your partner lies to you, you may have a share.
As you may know, if you’ve been following me for a long time, I keep saying that all behavior is influenced somehow. It means that if I do something and I am “rewarded” for it, then I may show behavior more often. If I am punished instead, then I am most likely to behave less often afterward. This psychological law is called conditioning.
example
I tell my partner that I was flirted with by a woman on the train today (I couldn’t help it), and she gets jealous and freaks out. In most cases, I learn from this that I should think twice about telling an anecdote like this to my partner next time.
It is called operant conditioning. The subsequent reaction influences my behavior.
And theoretically, this can also be the case with lying. Maybe you have a very quick temper or very little patience that your partner may be afraid to tell the truth, because they fear it will end badly again. That doesn’t justify someone lying, but at least it explains it.
So I recommend that you ask yourself on this topic: What is my part in the lies in the relationship?
Are there any acceptable lies?
Are there lies that can be spoken vs. lies that are forbidden?
Well, I am against ALL lies in the relationship personally. Still, there are times when I think it’s okay to lie.
Which are they? Of course, the lies where you prepare something nice for your partner that he or she shouldn’t know about yet.
example
You are preparing a surprise party for your partner’s birthday and google it for great cakes. Later, your partner sits down at your laptop and notices that many ads are being played that show birthday cakes. Since your partner knows that these personalized ads are only played when someone searches for something on the internet, your friend asks you why you Googled for birthday cakes. So that the surprise isn’t ruined, you tell him you’ve picked something for a friend.
It is a lie, but I think it’s okay.
What if my wife asks me if she has gotten fat?
Well, that’s an interesting consideration, of course. You could say now, it’s not all that bad, and it will probably do her good if I say, “No, honey … you only wear unfavorable clothes”.
However, my clear personal opinion on the subject is, be honest, especially in these situations.
Now you’re wondering, “But what if she’s really upset and mad at me?” I sympathize with you that this is an uncomfortable situation. But there are advantages to being honest.
For one thing, there is no point in tricking your partner into believing that she is still as slim as she was before. Because her concern is to keep her line slim, it would be an advantage for her if she found out that she has deviated from the line to take action. Lies in the relationship keep them from doing so.
On the other hand, you also teach people around you to only ask questions that they want an answer to.
Everyone around me knows that they will get an honest answer from me if they ask me something.
It is an advantage for other people because they know that they can always rely on my word. At the same time, it’s advantageous for me as it makes people think twice before asking a sensitive question.
An anecdote from my life
My girlfriend at the time asked me while on vacation in Greece whether her bum had gotten bigger.
I looked at it and answered truthfully: “Yes, I think so!”
Funnily enough, she got really mad at that. Of course, I didn’t back down from the situation like, “Oh sorry honey, that’s not how I meant it!”.
I stayed calm and told her that I don’t mean it, but I still think her butt has gotten a little bigger. She then left the apartment in a rage.
After 20 minutes, she came back – much more relaxed – and said she had calmed down again, and I couldn’t help it that it was so.
Since that day, she has only asked questions that she wanted to hear the answer to.
How do I know if my partner is lying to me?
Usually, you can trust your common sense. If anything sounds inconsistent, chances are your partner is lying to you.
In most relationships, everything feels normal, and you “know” that your partner is honest with you. If the feeling changes, it pays to look specifically for lies in the relationship.
exception
If you know that you are plagued by excessive jealousy, then the chances are that your feelings about it are a little distorted.
But how can I best find out whether he or she is lying when I have that feeling?
The answer is simple:
Ask for.
If you’re genuinely interested in a narrative – and that would be normal in a good relationship – then a lying partner could get into trouble. The more details you ask, the harder it will be for a liar to keep the lies in the relationship going.
example
Liar: Honey, I had to work late yesterday, sorry.
Me: Yes, no problem. It can happen. What was so urgent?
Liar: ABC answers
Me: Aha, exciting. And did someone have to stay longer?
Liar: XYZ answers
Me: Yes, I understand. And were the others upset about it?
You see, I just ask things that any normal person in a partnership could ask. And if the person had to work overtime, then he has an answer to every question without any problems.
But if those were lies in the relationship and he was actually at his affair, then such questions can quickly make him sweat. Because now he doesn’t just have to call up the information in his memory but has to produce it in his imagination first.
What does lying do to your character?
My clear statement on it is. Don’t lie; always be honest. Because lying breaks your character.
Let me explain to you what I mean by that:
Depending on what people do, they have certain learning experiences over time. Sometimes these experiences contain psychological punishments (as described above).
Sometimes, when people in the relationship have told the truth and were then snapped at by their partner, they will think twice next time whether they are telling the truth.
I always say you should see behavior through to the end. But if we think about it, prefer to lie, then we no longer pull our behavior through to the end because we want to avoid the “punishment” that comes at the end.
Liars often get used to avoiding possible “bad reactions” from their partner, and so they become more and more prisoners of their train of thought. “No, I prefer not to say that that could cause stress” and become more and more unfree. It is because they deprive themselves of the opportunity to have a positive reference experience from time to time. And so, over time, there will be more and more lies in the relationship.
It’s similar to dog phobics. They usually had a bad experience and avoided dogs from then on. And their phobia only persists because they deprive themselves of the chance to have positive experiences with other dogs, in which they notice: “Oh, the dog is nice … and that too, and that too …”.
It’s the same with liars. You deprive yourself of the chance to have a positive experience with the truth and communicate with your subconscious; again and again, I have to lie because otherwise, I run the risk that my partner no longer likes me. And what they ultimately communicate with is: I am not worth anything the way I am.
Read more
Why Couples Argue Over Small Things
Is lying in the relationship a reason for separation?
I am not answering this question scientifically but with my personal opinion. For me, lying is an absolute reason to separate.
I don’t want to live with the thought, “Is she telling me the truth or not?”
After lying for the first time in the relationship, you may be able to make another exception and then speak again very clearly and directly about the topic. But if something like that comes up again afterward, that (or that person) is history for me.
Why am I so strict?
Well, I think that everyone should live their lives so that they help themselves and the world get better. Whatever that means to that person.
And if we want to achieve great things, then we need our minds clear, and we can’t keep wondering whether we can trust the people in our lives.
Closing words
I hope this article about lying in a relationship was useful. If so, feel free to share this article with friends you would help.
Ending A Relationship With A Liar- Video
Eric Cameron is a passionate relationship coach and counselor with a focus on helping couples reconnect and build strong and lasting relationships. He has years of experience working with couples and helping them to understand the intricacies of healthy relationships. He also provides guidance on how to maintain a healthy relationship and deal with difficult topics. Eric’s approach is tailored specifically to the couple’s needs and he has a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw upon.