In popular culture, love has traditionally been related to unconditional union with another person, who loves, respects, desires and accepts you above all else. We are all familiar with the great romantic ideas about the soul mate, the better half, your other half. However, today more and more voices are advocating other ways of conceiving love and relationships. Perhaps one of the best known is the one that shows that no person is able to satisfy all the emotional and sexual needs of another, so they would resort to several people to cover them. In other words, they advocate the existence of various loves. We are talking about polyamory, but what exactly is it? Can you love two people at the same time? Is polyamory for people who don’t commit? In Bigmatrimonial we tell you.
Polyamory is a form of “non-monogamy” agreed by all parties through which women and men establish intimate, emotional and / or sexual relationships with several people at the same time. And, polyamory is different from other forms of open relationships, such as partner swapping, which involves couples having casual sex outside of the relationship, specifically without any emotional bond. It is also often confused with polygamy, a practice in which an individual marries multiple people at the same time.
The people who practice polyamory may or may not be married, but the fundamental difference is that polygamy is often practiced as polygyny, ie, when a man marries multiple sets women. In these relationships, women are generally not allowed to have additional male partners and are prohibited from having sex with each other. Polyamory, by contrast, allows women to have multiple partners , just like men. Furthermore, polygamy is often closely tied to religion, which may or may not be present in the case of polyamory.
Can you be in love with two people at the same time?
In the previous section, we have established the basic differences between polyamory, partner swapping, and polygamy. Thus, as it has been said, in order to establish various polyamorous relationships, the knowledge and consent of all the parties involved is necessary and that there are certain levels of intimacy in all of them. In this section, the objective is to go one step further: can you be in love with two people at the same time? Can you be in love with two men at the same time? Can you be in love with several people at the same time without betraying any of them?
One of the fundamental characteristics of polyamory is that the idea of exclusivity is rejected, and any member of the relationship can have multiple partners of any gender . This idea clashes head-on with the widely held romantic notions in western society related to fidelity, loyalty, and commitment. When we turn our backs on other potential lovers, we are confirming to our partner how special he is to us. In a world where it is so easy to be fired, lose friends, forget relationships, go unnoticed, etc. Monogamy acquires an importance unequaled: you confirmed that at the end of the day, yes you are special at the least for your partner.
However, advocates of polyamory question the romantic ideals associated with monogamy, manifesting the following paradox: As the need for fidelity intensifies, so does the drive toward infidelity.. The burden of delegating all our emotional needs and sexual desires would be unbearable for one person. Thus, one of the main arguments that polyamory advocates rely on is the notion that the emotional and sexual needs of some people could best be met by more than one person. This would also work in reverse, easing the pressure of having to meet all of someone else’s needs. Thus, a weary relationship could find fresh air and energy.
In this way, people involved in polyamorous relationships can be in love with two people at the same time , to the extent that each couple makes different contributions, contributing to their emotional bond, at the same time that there is space between them, since the couple is involved with a third party, which encourages desire.
Can you love two people at the same time?
Much of the society that outright rejects the idea of polyamory questions whether people can fall in love with several people at the same time. Is it possible to love two people at the same time and not be crazy? How is it possible to maintain several relationships at the same time? How is it possible to commit to more than one person?
According to Stenberg’s theory, love would have three basic components: intimacy, passion and commitment.
- Intimacy is related to proximity, connection and emotional ties.
- Passion hints at intense desire and union with the other couple.
- Commitment is the element by which the couple decides to stay together in the long term.
Thus, the defenders of polyamory maintain that it would be possible to sustain several relationships at the same time in which the three characteristics mentioned above occur. To do this, they establish a fundamental difference between sexual fidelity and emotional commitment. In this way, there would be a significant commitment in many polyamorous relationships, but not exclusively. They do this by investing large amounts of time and effort in maintaining such healthy relationships, trying to learn even new communication skills, analyzing their problems and actively seeking satisfactory solutions.
Therefore, communication is the fundamental pillar on which they rely, because they need to manage possible jealousy as they arise, as well as clearly define their limits. Polyamorous people are committed to treating each other well, telling the truth, helping each other grow and sustain themselves in difficult times. Its defenders show that polyamory requires more words than the traditional relationship, since they spend a lot of time explaining themselves, telling each couple about their feelings and everything that happens.
Thus, through polyamory, the people involved declare that it is possible to love several people at the same time , because this way of bonding contributes to significantly eliminate what Dan Savage points out as drawbacks of monogamy: boredom, despair, lack of variety, “sexual death” and taking the other person for granted.
Choose between two people?
A frequent question regarding polyamory is whether it is a form of experimentation, in which one person meets several over a period of time, and then chooses a partner: with whom they have formed a bond of greater intensity, have more things in common, can establish future plans, etc. The answer to this question, according to its advocates, is no. Polyamory is based on the absence of ranks , that is, there are no first or second places, in order to try to prevent rivalries and problems of jealousy, since everyone would be clear about their contribution to the relationship.
Does polyamory work?
Polyamory is a way of understanding love relationships, which gives way to people who are not comfortable in traditional models that do not cover the enormous variety of sexual and gender diversity that exists today. Whether polyamory works, as with any other relationship, depends on the people involved and how they handle themselves. Thus, polyamory is not for everyone. It can be a complex and intense relationship style that requires time and dedication to maintain. Many people may prefer the simplicity, security, and exclusivity of monogamy.
This article is merely informative, in Bigmatrimonial we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.