We are going to tell you how to identify if you are in a abusive relationship and how to run out of it. Attentive!
There is much talk about abusive in relationships, in most we can easily recognize some forms of this as the most obvious physical and verbal aggression.
But most of the time we do not realize or justify more subtle forms that we use every day to day. They are covert attacks to which we don’t usually react because the aggression is not so direct, or it may not even really seek to harm.
- However, by being constant, it destroys our self-esteem and the confidence we have in ourselves and in the relationship. And be careful, because we are not talking only about couple relationships , this is something that is learned in the family nucleus and that we later use or allow in all kinds of relationships.
Krish and Amana Trobe of the Learning love Institute tell us about some of these abusive forms much more subtle than those mentioned in the previous paragraph:
- Have expectations about each other and believe that he / she has to fulfill them
- Force our will on another person
- Take the microphone and not release it during a conversation, do not listen to the other person
- Do not feel the other / other
- Cut off all communication
- Play the victim
- Make jokes at the expense of the other person
- Blame and complain
- Shout, act from anger
- Analyze, the rapize or rescue the other person
These are some of the behaviors that we frequently exercise and that violate the limits of others, even destroying the relationship
- In general, these are chronic behaviors that arise when we are provoked in some way, when we do not get what we want from the couple or children or even friends or when we feel they are invading our limits. And when they detonate something, we act compulsively.
It is very possible that we do not even recognize these behaviors as aggressive, especially if we tend to move away, cut off communication, use control or judgments
- “I can walk away whenever I want, I am also very angry to talk”
- he (she) is my partner (hij @, friend, etc) ”
- “ It’s not that I judge him, it’s my opinion and do what he wants ”
These behaviors affect our relationships and it is important to understand that when we act in these ways we are damaging that relationship. Although the other person says nothing. We need to realize what we do and where this behavior comes from. Bring light to our ways of relating if we really want to build better relationships.
All these behaviors arise from our fears:
- Fear of being invaded
- Fear of abuse
- And, Fear of being rejected
- Fear of nearness
- Fear of being exposed
- Also, Fear of losing ourselves in the other
As we have seen before, all these fears have their origin in painful childhood experiences and are intended to protect us from possible damage.
- They are such old patterns, so automatic, reactive, compulsive, so common in us that we do not even realize the fear they carry. back and we don’t know how else to relate.
We are also firmly convinced that they are justified.
Pablo, a successful businessman has a relationship with Alicia, who is totally impressed with his charisma, his intelligence and his wealth and loves that he takes care of her.
Pablo remains in control by intimidating her: analyzing her failures and emotions, buying her gifts and taking her on a trip. When he talks about his need to control her, he acknowledges that he needs to be the boss to make sure she doesn’t take advantage and abuse him.
It is the way that always relates to women, makes them see all their failures and their “weaknesses”, that gives a sense of superiority and keeps them at bay. This helps you not feel vulnerable.
- Almost always our defense mechanisms are abusive.
- However, our need to protect ourselves from more pain is so deep and overwhelming that we cannot even imagine behaving in any other way and do not cut back the price we pay for acting in these ways.
- The devastating result is that this automatic protection damages the delicate trust we need to allow love to grow and flourish. It creates resentment and eventually destroys the relationship.
Whether we are the ones who use this type of “hidden” aggression in our relationships or allow it, it is important to remember some points:
- Be aware that words hurt as much as a slap.
- It doesn’t matter how seemingly harmless the comment is, or the innocence of that joke, if it’s not right for you, don’t allow it. Express your discontent; One phrase you can start with is “for me it is not right….”
- Learn to set limits. We achieve this by being sensitive and empathic towards ourselves and others. A person who allows himself to be invaded is surely invading others in some way. And generally we don’t even notice.
- There are people who will not respect your limits even when you ask for it in the best way. Who does not understand that you have been injured lacks empathy, and does not have adequate emotional intelligence to establish healthy relationships. They are toxic people and it is best to get away from them, since they will only cause you suffering.
The following is a three-step process developed by the “Learning Love Institute” school to learn to stop our abusive behavior in relationships:
• Recognize, Slow Down And Contain
In this first step we learn to recognize when we are being aggressive towards the other person, taking as reference the behaviors mentioned above. Then we need to apply discipline to curb these behaviors containing our frustration and the compulsion to react in the old ways.
• Breathe, Feel And Go Inward
In this second step, we need to take the time to breathe in frustration, feel the aggression, the pain it causes and ask ourselves “what is my fear that is triggering this behavior and where does it come from?” .
The way to know if a behavior is aggressive is to take the time to feel your body, there is usually a contraction in the area of the solar plexus, stomach and chest, a feeling of separation, breaking with the other person and then the pain of having hurt that person we love or appreciate. Another symptom is that we are focusing on the other person.
• Repair And Reconnect
This last step is crucial. It involves repairing faults by talking and sharing with the other person, recognizing how these behaviors damage trust, exposing our hidden fears and apologizing from the heart.
However, we can only take this last step if we do not justify our behavior and if we really work with the pain and anger that we continue to carry from the past for all those times that we were mistreated, or abandoned when we were vulnerable and small.