We are going to give them the manipulation tactics most used by the abusers so that they do not fall into their game when they want to finish.
You are in a relationship and you want to end up with your partner because there are things you do not like, maybe you have not fully realized, but if your partner is an abusive, controlling person, it is possible that the breakup is not easy.
• An abusive person, as we discussed earlier, in general does not intend to abuse, his is a matter of control and for him his techniques to control you are not abusive, it is his right to do so, that is part of the problem, the belief that these characters They have the right to manipulate, blackmail, control, threaten.
• As difficult as it seems to us to leave someone who is not an abusive controller, it is a thousand times easier than moving away from an abusive relationship. Abusing people, controllers, do not allow others, others to leave them.
When they feel that their partner is beginning to strengthen, that they begin to make their own decisions, to think for themselves, to escape control, the controllers move to other strategies.
Some of the most common maneuvers are:
• Promises of change
• Go to therapy together
• Stop drinking, attend AA
• Apologize anyway
• Tell you that you will be lost without it
• Tell you that no one else will want to be with you
• Threaten with suicide
• Tell you that you are abandoning him and making you feel guilty
• Threatening to take the children or even legally fight for custody
• Threaten to take your home away, or economic recharges
• Be very kind suddenly
• Make other people pressure you to give it a second chance
• Do those things you have complained about for a long time that you don’t do: Fix something dangerous at home, look for work, accept that you go out with your friends, etc.
• Behave in a self-destructive way so that you worry or feel sorry for him. (Do not eat, drink a lot, stop going to work, do not talk to your friends)
• Talk badly about yourself, to ruin your friendships, your reputation
• Start a new relationship / have an affair to make you jealous or angry
• Insist that he already changed
• Disseminate confidential information about yourself to humiliate you
• Threaten or assault anyone with whom you try to start a new relationship or someone who is helping you
Get pregnant • Attack yourself physically or sexually
• Harass you
• Damage things you own, such as your car or house
• Each abuser has his or her own mix of the above techniques, some loose easier than others. They can simultaneously use control strategies that seem contradictory.
• For example, he can insist that you should give him a chance park has already changed, and then call you the next night to say “If you don’t give me another chance you will know that I am capable”
• He can try to convince you by telling you that you are the love of his life, that his love for you will never change, but if he fails to persuade you to go to eat or have a drink with him, his poetic language will change: “the truth is that you are worth my mother , for me continue in your stupidities ”
• He does not care that the pieces do not fit, that there is inconsistency in his techniques. He is focused on only one thing: Regain control over you.
• He remembers how he controlled you with loving words, with his charisma, affection and promises. He also remembers how well bullying worked, threats on other occasions. Now that these tools lose effectiveness, you are trying to raise the voltage.
• For the abuser, the growing strength and independence in their partner is a disease and not the emergence of the health that it really is.
HOW THE ABUSERS SEE THE SEPARATION:
THE ABUSE IS NOT REASON TO TERMINATE A RELATIONSHIP
• For them their forms of abuse are the fault of the couple, they cause them to lose control, get angry, all he does is their fault. For what he does is his right and his way of balancing the relationship.
• It is totally unreasonable for them to ask a man not to be abusive unless his partner never hurts them, never fails to take care of him, fill his needs and his expectations about her.
WHEN I PROMISE YOU THAT I WILL BE KINDER IN THE FUTURE, THAT MUST BE SUFFICIENT
• No matter how many times you have broken your promise, this character believes that the couple should be able to see that this time is true and give it another chance. There is no limit in your mind of how many “new opportunities” you should give. He feels entitled to an unlimited number.
• They demand that they be shouted, with insults, demanding immediate answers, that their needs be met and more. The couple must believe that the abuse has stopped when he says he has stopped, even if he is seeing it happen at that time.
THERE IS NO LIMIT ON HOW MUCH SHOULD WORK FOR THE RELATIONSHIP TO WORK
• The abuser feels the right to terminate a relationship whenever he wants to, but does not assign the same privilege to his partner.
• It doesn’t matter how old the person is enduring the abuse. She has endured, returned, forgiven, it would seem that these actions are sufficient to prove that she has done more than enough and has earned the right to protect herself. Not so in the mind of the abuser. For him, she has never done enough.
• This is the double standard of the abuser. He does not consider his chronic verbal abuse or even his violence failures of “love and respect” but if she decides to leave for his safety, he accuses her of failing his promise of “love and respect.” His infidelities They automatically deserve to be forgiven, but if she is the one with an affair, then this is proof of her low morale, lack of values and affection.
SHE IS STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FEELINGS AND WELFARE
• In the abuser’s advantageous value system, the woman must be responsible for her needs and feelings, even after she declares that she is no longer her partner. So, if he loses his job or his new romance does not work or his mother becomes ill, he continues to feel the right to demand that she take care of him emotionally. Above all, he will hold her responsible for her hurt feelings during the relationship or breakup.
SHE BELONGS TO ME
• The dehumanizing perception of your partner as a person possession can grow even more when the relationship approaches the end. For them, she is their property and will do what is necessary to establish this and to achieve what they want. His message at its extremes is “You continue to be my property and I retain my rights over you, your actions, thoughts, feelings, your body, etc. until I decide otherwise.
BECAUSE HE DOES NOT ACCEPT YOUR PROPOSAL TO “TAKE US A BREAK”
• Have you ever tried to take time to separate yourself from your partner? You may have considered quitting but as you are afraid of his reaction, you have asked for this break, instead of finishing it completely. Maybe you weren’t sure and you just wanted to take some time to consider it, without having to listen to their criticisms, judgments, threats, etc.
• For this person this implies a declaration of your independence, that you are able to survive without him. That you are the best judge of your own life.
• The abuser is afraid of what their partner may discover if she goes out of their control. Maybe even realize how much better he is without him. In short, he does not tolerate separation because at some level he feels he is too healthy and healing for women. He wants her to hear his voice and see his face because in this way he can destroy his resolution.
THE ABUSER WHO WANTS TO END THE RELATIONSHIP
• If he is the one who wishes to end the relationship, perhaps in agreement that they are not compatible, it may be that if there are no children involved, he may stay out of your life in general. Maybe you are interested in another woman or something else occupies your mind.
• Unfortunately, I still may not leave you alone at all, although it is true that there are almost no cases of aggression or violence when he decides to end. But he might want some kind of compensation for the ways he claimed you hurt him.
• I may tell distorted stories about the relationship or tell lies to put people against you.
• If there are children, even if he has ended the relationship, it is very possible that he will try to use the children to avenge offenses and imaginary damages.
• There are cases when the abuser punishes a woman with abandonment , the last slap after many more (figurative or real) that leaves her feeling even more humiliated and unworthy of love.
• That is why it is not helpful for an abandoned and abused woman to tell her things like “you should be happy that she is gone, you are lucky to have gotten rid of him.” Anyone who wants to support the recovery of an abused woman needs to give her space so much to his sadness, to understand that this departure from him was one of his ways to crush her.
AWAY FROM THE HEALTHY WAY OF AN ABUSER
Trying to determine the level of risk in particular situations is complex and inaccurate. If you are worried about your partner’s reaction, listen to your intuition even if he has not been violent or so violent.
• Extreme jealousy / possessiveness
• His violent behavior , his threats have escalated
• He persecutes you, monitors you, stalks
• He has been sexually violent with you
• He has threatened to harm you
• He is obsessed with you
• He is depressed, he talks about suicides, shows signs that he doesn’t care what happens to him
• Abuses substances (drugs, alcohol)
• Has been abusive to children, with you, with other people or even with animals.
• Use pornography
• Has exhibited extreme behavior when you have made previous attempts to leave
• Spy your routine. Addresses of your friends and family, where you work, or any personal information I can use to locate you.
Key points to remember:
• When a breakdown occurs against the will of the abuser, he can define your decision as a declaration of provocative independence and go to war.
• Make sure your family, close friends, colleagues, know the story in case they need support.
• Stay away from drugs and alcohol to make sure your judgment is not affected.
• Leaving an abuser is difficult, with time and planning you will succeed.
• While the relationship is dissolving and for a while later, you must be especially alert to your safety and take steps to protect yourself.
• After the breakup with an abusive man, wait at least a few months before getting involved with a new partner.
• Attend support groups, therapy.
• Remember that your life belongs to you, nobody else.